Of course I was on pins and needles all yesterday afternoon waiting for news about Faggypants' court case. While I was nervously awaiting his phone call I decided to pick some particularly annoying weeds from my magnificently landscaped hillside arboretum . I'm generally very cautious about pulling out weeds because some of the weeds are actually very beautiful wild flowers. Last fall I was finally able to identify the weed I hate the most, it grows like mad, has variegated leaves and eventually morphs into a hive of nasty stickers . It's tough to eradicate because it's roots are so deep, and for the big ones I need a spade. I'm determined to wipe them out and it's taking me a lot of time , especially since some other weeds are concealing the smaller sticker weeds.
It was about three o'clock when a completely drunk Faggypants called me. The cell phone reception at the Dunes is atrocious and although I do have a land phone, I would never give the number to Faggypants knowing full well he'd abuse it whenever he was drunk. After several aborted calls I gathered that he was facing a very stiff fine but his mother talked the judge into a much smaller fine. I told Faggypants I'd get the details in the morning and hung up on him.
When I got back to the city it was almost eight. Tobi, Gracie, Basil, and Basil's mom, Trish, were dining down the street and they promised to bring me something. There were no seats at the bar so I sat in the window. Dave Mitchell , still looking very much like Samuel L. Jackson, sauntered in and we chatted for awhile before Mrs Clown limped in. She maneuvered herself up to where I was seated and ordered a drink while I said my goodbyes to Dave. Mrs Clown said she'd been down at a few of the spots in the Viagra Triangle and , "I've still got it, a lot of guys made moves."
This was indeed good news, "you know Mrs Clown, moneys gravitates toward money. You have a lot in common with the lounge lizards that frequent those joints."
Mrs Clown again swore me to secrecy. At this point I don't even bother to tell her that at this point of my life I'm incapable of keeping anything secret. "Bruce, between Clown and my kids I'm going nuts."
"Mrs Clown, it's time to kick your kids out of the nest."
"My kids hate Clown and Clown hates my kids."
"All kids hate there mothers boyfriends, it's natural."
"I suppose so," after ordering another drink she continued , "I deserve a life."
"Of course you do."
When she started to again describe her ideas for converting Clowns play in progress into a musical I gently reminded her that she already had told me . Minutes after she left a drunken Clown entered. Clown has several personas when he's drunk, tonight was his boisterous aggressive persona. Jay made the mistake of asking Clown how he was, "how do you think I am, for Christ's sake, I'm miserable , I hate life, I hate people, I hate you so don't ever ask me that question again." Of course Jay should know better than to engage Clown in a conversation when he's like this.
When Gracie and Tobi came into the bar with my food Tobi told me that when she dropped off Faggypants in the morning at his mothers she had a brief chat with the former Miss Cicero. "She was very nice, she showed me Faggypants' birds. His birds love him, when he stuck out his finger they chirped and kissed him with their beaks. I was only there a second or two."
This morning I arrived at the bar at seven. Faggypants, in another marvelous outfit consisting of a red and black striped sweater, olive cap, and purple tennis shoes, arrived early , too. He said that in order to get his mother to drive him to the train station he had to leave early because he had to get dressed for her Mothers Day brunch with his two brothers and their families at St. Andrews Golf Course.
Of course I wanted to hear all about his court date, "thank god we don't have to plan a jail break, I was really worried."
"I was really lucky, the judge who was very nice , asked me how I pleaded, and of course I said, guilty, so he said good, and then he read all of the charges, and then he asked me who the lady standing next to me was and I said, 'it's my mother', and he said, 'good, that will save you some money, and then he wanted to know how I got to the place where I got in trouble and I said, 'judge, first I took two trains, and then a bus', and then he interrupted me and say, 'if I had gotten that far I'd have crawled the last two blocks ...."
"Did you tell him that you were hit by a bike?"
Faggypants shook his head, "no, no, I didn't want to go into that, so then he said you tried to get into a city vehicle,' and I said, 'not quite, I just asked for a ride home, because I had to help my mom move furniture into the garage so she could get her carpets shampooed, ' and so he asked my mom, 'did he help you move the furniture? and she said, 'yes, Judge, he did,' and then the judge said, so he wasn't so drunk that he couldn't help you and then, " Faggypants was now starting to giggle, " she kind of lied and said that I wasn't that drunk, and then the Judge said that normally my fine would be between 750 dollars and 500 dollars, but because he believed I was remorseful and I had such a nice mother he was only going to fine me 200 dollars and then I had to apologize to the police for saying that they were going to shoot me because I was wearing a hoody."
"Did he fine anybody a lot ?"
"Yeah, two kids were fined 700 for smoking weed, and a tow truck driver, a big fat mean looking black man who repossesses cars had a whole bunch of tickets for parking illegally and he got nailed hard, nobody was sorry for him."
"How long did you have to wait?"
"I was there almost three hours, first they have the people who didn't pay their water bills and then the traffic violations for parking in handicapped zones and stuff like that. A nice little old lady got a ticket for parking in a handicapped zone and she told the judge her handicapped sign must have fallen off of her dash board and she showed it to him and the judge said, 'obviously the officer, who's a very good policeman , didn't see it on the floor and so he did what he was supposed to do, and now you did what you were supposed to do, so nobody was at fault . I loved the Judge. After we got out of there my mother took me to lunch, and I had a delicious vegan pizza."
Faggypants said his mother loved his Mothers Day Card with the pop up inside, "and she loved the flowers. I only paid twenty dollars for them and I checked out the flower shops but they were way more expensive than Treasure Island was. I'm so glad I don't have to go to the brunch."
"How was your mom in court."
"Very nervous, we were both nervous."
There was no Street Jimmy by the time I was ready to leave. Before I left Faggypants said he was going to a twink friends party in Ukranian Village this afternoon. I reminded him not to let Street Jimmy in if I wasn't there.