Last night, after my lovely two days in the Dunes taking a trip down memory lane with some of my old pals, I arrived to a chaotic situation in the Old Town Ale House. After sitting down in my favorite chair in the corner next to Lee, Lee got up and went out and had a cigarette , no sooner did he walk out the door than Mrs Clown came in and sat down in Lee's chair. When I mentioned that Lee was presently sitting in the chair she said, "Lee won't care." When Matt, who'd just come in said he'd fix her a stool, Ruben Nine Toes immediately demanded that his stool be moved further down the bar. Ruben hates to be crowded and let everyone know this. When Mrs Clown refused the new stool I said that I considered her to be an inconsiderate ingrate. She immediately became petulant and threw a snit and moved to the table in the window. Of course the sign that says Five Or More was plainly visible. When Lee came back in he graciously offered Mrs Clown his stool and moved to the stool Matt had moved over for Mrs Clown. At this point there was no appeasing Mrs Clown.
Further down the bar the goofy black guy that pretends he's deaf was doing his obnoxious act. He was wearing a Cubs Jersey and he tends to drive people nuts. The reason we know he's a phony deaf person is because about five years ago when he was walking out of the bar Tribune John said in a normal voice, "hey, you just dropped some money." The fake deaf guy immediately turned around and looked on the floor. For a while he was driving a snazzy little sports car . So Finally Mrs Clown sits down next to me . While I was again telling her what snot she was being Clown walked in. He nodded in agreement as he listened to my harsh assessment of Mrs Clown's behavior. He's often pointed out how churlish she can be. When Anya came down to serve Mrs Clown another scotch I whispered to Anya to keep and eye on the fake deaf guy . She said she was pretty sure he already snatched some of her tip money. For reasons known only to Mrs Clown she got up and walked down to the end of the bar and hugged the fake deaf guy. At this point the fake deaf guy was sitting next to a Mexican man who could barely speak english. When Mrs Clown returned to her seat I asked her why she was encouraging the fake deaf guy. I then proceeded to tell her that he was a rip off artist and I was just waiting to catch him so I could bar him. After another scotch she got up and walked back down to where the fake deaf guy and the Mexican were sitting and in a minute or two Anya was hollering at Mrs Clown. I immediately went down the bar to see Mrs Clown struggling with the hapless Mexican man.
"What the fuck are you doing , Mrs Clown?"
Anya said that Mrs Clown was trying to physically toss the poor guy out.
I then Grabbed Mrs Clown and pushed her back to her seat . "I was just trying to handle the situation, somebody has too if you guys won't."
I pointed out we don't need her handling shit. This made her cry. After another scotch she seemed to regain her composure somewhat. At this point the fake deaf guy came down to where we were sitting and started hugging Mrs Clown. Matt had just gotten gone to the restroom. After hugging Mrs Clown the fake deaf guy left the bar. Mrs Clown then knocked down her scotch and announced that she too was leaving the bar because we ( I think she was referring to me specifically) were rude insensitive companions. When Matt came back he said his Blackberry was missing. This information immediately caused all the boys to go into immediate action. First, I gave Matt my phone to call his number to see if it was just on the floor or in some strange spot. No luck. The consensus was that while we were distracted by Mrs Clown getting hugged by the fake deaf guy, the fake deaf guy snatched Matt's phone . Another theory was that Mrs Clown took Matt's phone by accident. Matt felt that if this was the case she would have answered it when he called his number. Matt then took off in the direction that the fake deaf guy went. The Paki's at Stop and Rob have been known to buy hot phones and Street Jimmy, who was now on the case, thought that would have been the most likely place for the guy to have gone. About five minutes later the fake deaf guy was sighted walking back down the street toward the bar. I immediately got up and when he reached the bar I grabbed him by his Cubs jersey and demanded he cough up the Blackberry. He made some kind of screeching sounds, broke away from my grip and took off running. Lee and Street Jimmy were immediately in hot pursuit. I walked over to Wells Street to see what was happening . When I got to the corner I saw the fake deaf guy running back toward me on the opposite side of Wells Street. I trotted across the street in spite of the red light just in time to grab the fake deaf guy by his Cubs Jersey in front of MacDonald's. Now he was really screeching with arms flailing indicating that he was deaf. We aroused quite a few stares as I dragged him back to the bar. He was pretty skinny and hardly struggled , just screamed incoherently the whole way.
When we reached the bar he tried to give me money. I thought it was the money he got for the Blackberry but later we guessed it was the money he stole from Anya. The guy appeared guilty ass hell and nodded when I told him to go back to Stop and Rob and buy the Blackberry back with the money he was holding.
Shortly afterwards Matt returned. He said he'd gotten some lip from some of the ghetto kids on Orleans. All in all we guessed the Blackberry was gone and so everyone sat down and had their beverage of choice. Matt went home after finishing his drink. About an hour later he called me on the bar phone and said that he'd just called his phone and Mrs Clown's daughter answered. I told the boys that we'd throttled the wrong guy and Mrs Clown was the culprit. This predictably elicited much laughter from the gang. Jimmy asked if we were going to apologize to the fake deaf guy and I said no. "I'm barring him for being so suspicious. Anyway, we're pretty sure he swiped some money from Anya."
Mrs Clown arrived with the Blackberry almost simultaneously with Matt. I'd had enough and went home
This morning the bar was a pigsty. Faggypants had his work cut out for him. I gave Street Jimmy a couple of bucks to help him out. I suggested that the three of us go to the gay pride parade today after we get done. Faggypants said he'd go with us only as soon as he found a suitable twink he'd ditch us. When the bar was finally clean Faggypants was too drunk to go anywhere with. He said this morning when his mother asked him what he was going to do he said, "I'm going to the homo parade. She waited a minute and then said, 'well, just don't get drunk'." Faggypants laughed really hard for a good minute.
One of the waitresses that works at Corcoran's said that Mrs Clown gets the munchies when she gets drunk there. She gets food all over her and it's kind of hard to watch .
Street Jimmy and I are ready to go to the Gay Pride parade. Gracie is presently saying a lot of negative things to Jimmy, I told Jimmy to just call her Gracie Dream Stealer.