Moose Skowran, the Chicago born baseball player who was Yankee first baseman during the glory years of Berra and Mantle,  died a few days ago on the North Side. My favorite Skowran story was told to me by a local sports writer back in the seventies. According to this writer (I know when you are referring to a sports writer  that you are using the term "writer" in it's broadest sense) Moose's wife was rumored to be fucking a neighbor while Moose was out of town. One day in the third inning of a game in Yankee Stadium Moose grounded out, told Casey Stengel he was hurt, and still wearing his yankee uniform and his spikes, sprinted out of the stadium and into a waiting car being driven by a pal. In record time they sped to his house in Long Island where Moose proceeded to run into his house in time to catch his naked wife blowing the neighbor while the Yankee game was on the TV. After this the story gets sketchy. I hope the story is true because it's fun to think of what went through the wife and the neighbors heads as Moose (still wearing his uniform) came bursting in on them.
     Gracie said that last night the cops had Street Jimmy in back by the dumpsters. She had no idea what they were doing with him. They must not have busted him because he was seen later on Wells Street. The gang in the corner was pretty ripped by the time I got there. Anita, the Irish beauty, was looking especially provocative . She's one sexy babe. Rene was sitting with one of her male companions, not only was she buying him drinks , but she was actually trying to get him to go home and bang her. She says once a month when she's ovulating she  gets horny , the guy, who apparently is a follower of troglodyte Ron Paul, didn't seem interested in getting in Rene's pants. I found this odd because Rene is still quite doable.
     This morning when I arrived at the bar Faggypants was almost done cleaning. "I had to sleep in the basement last night because my mom had my bedroom rug shampooed."
     "You poor dear."
     Faggypants said that yesterday he went to the AMC and saw : Pirates, Band Of Misfits, "It was wonderful , it was in three D and it's animated and the whole audience applauded after it was over."
     "How many stars did Roger give it?
    "I don't know, but I'll bet he'll love it, our taste is very similar."
    When Street Jimmy hadn't shown up by eight thirty I told Faggypants he'd have to make my newspaper - bagel run for me. This did not thrill him, but fortunately just as he was about to leave for the store Street Jimmy showed up.
     "Jimmy , you look like total shit."
     "Thas 'cause I jus' be wakin' up."
     I wrote down what I wanted him to get  and demanded to watch him put the twenty dollar bill in his right front pocket next to his right testicle. After Jimmy left I told Faggypants that Jimmy looked out of it and perhaps it was unwise to send him. Faggypants just shrugged and said that he'd heat up the  food he'd brought from his moms house for Jimmy. While Jimmy was gone Faggypants said that every morning when he drives his moms car to the El station she always tells him to avoid a certain bump in the road, "I keep telling her not to tell me that every day, but she says she doesn't wanting me wrecking her shocks. And if I say something she says , (imitating his mothers voice) you're not paying the bills buddy! You're a free loader! ' " Faggypants paused to laugh, "so this morning she said 'we're going  to St Andrews on Mothers Day, (again imitating her voice) 'I don't suppose you'll be there?' They are going at nine thirty  so she knows I won't have time to get done here . Then they're going to the cemetery to put flowers on my dads grave. She has to be bi-polar, last night when she started bitching at me I started to sing Three Blind Mice and she said that I was going nuts" Faggypants clapped his hands and laughed, "I can't get Three Blind Mice out of my head."
     "You could also sing Row, Row , Row Your Boat when she pisses you off."
    "That's a good one too. When I was a kid my mom was really good looking and some of my friends saw her making out in Carl Trapenes' car and they kidded me. You know how cruel kids are. They picked on me. If somebody did it now I'd say , 'you're just jealous because my mom's good looking and yours isn't.   "
       When Jimmy got back he was even a bigger mess than when he left, he'd forgotten my NY Times, and my bagel, lox, and cream cheese were all topsy turvy. When I pointed this out to him he said, "I still be sleepy." When he started to give me my change back he said, "you give me a ten, right?"
    "No, Jimmy, I gave you a twenty and the change is all fucked up."
    "Damn, I dropped some money at Walgreens and the lady say I didn' see you drop no moneys but the other lady say she saw me. Damn," he said searching though his pockets before he pulled out some other crumpled bills. Faggypants and I calculated how much change I should have coming and took the assorted bill from Jimmy's pile until I had the correct amount. Faggypants told Jimmy he'd never seen anyone lose more money, more often than Jimmy. Jimmy agreed. While he was outside sweeping the cigarette butts off of the sidewalk I noticed him trying to talk to some white guy in a crew cut as he walked by. I immediately went outside and confronted Jimmy, "are you spare changing people while you're supposed to be sweeping?"
      Jimmy said, " no, I just told the guy that I knewed him from the Mustard Seed but he didn' say nothing back to me."
      "Jimmy , you dumb fuck, Alcoholics Anonymous is supposed to be just that, anonymous."
      Faggypants agreed, "what happens in AA is supposed to stay in AA."
    I turns out Jimmy didn't understand the word anonymous, "so you're sayin' I shouldn'  talk to Mustard Seed people's when I sees 'em on the street?"
     "Correct."
     "Tha' don' make no sense."
    "Asshole, people don't want their private business on the street."
      When I asked Jimmy what the cops were doing with him last night he said, " they jus' be runin' a name check on me."
      "Why?"
     "'Cause the lady down the street called them 'cause I stashed my bag in the bushes in her yard. She say 'Jimmy , don' be puttin'  your bag in my yard an' I say, 'fuck you bitch, call the police , see if I care. So the police tol' me not to leave my bag in her yard anymore."
     "You know Jimmy, did it ever occur to you that if you fuck with the people on this block they're going to call the Commander again and then the beat cops have no choice but to toss your ass in jail every time they see you. Remember how Frank had to run your ass off last year and you couldn't work here?"
     "You may be right, she might be the one complain' on me."
     "You're a complete fuck up, you never learn from experience."
     "You're right."
     When I left the bar Street Jimmy was sitting on the curb with a pained look on his face, "I los' all my money."
     "Where did you lose it , you haven't travelled more than twenty feet."
      "It be because I'm tired."
     "No, it's  because you're a dumb crack- head fuck up."

Last night Gracie said that Tina from Zanies Comedy Club stopped her on the street and offered her condolences for Fox's death. When Grace told me this I immediately called Faggypants (knowing full well he'd be drunk) and asked him to call Fox's brothers to see how Fox was. Faggypants said he'd call in the morning.
  "Faggypants, this is very important, I've received some disturbing information and I need you to find out what's happening." I had to raise my voice several times and simultaneous slow down my speaking cadence to finally convince him of the importance of his making the call. He said he'd call me back as soon as he heard something from the brothers.
  In the meantime Sergio came into the bar. Sergio is one of the few people I know who is still in contact with Counselor who along with us , still seems to be in regular contact with Fox. When I told Sergio about the rumor on the street,  he grimaced, "let me call somebody."  After Sergio came back inside the bar he said that according to Counselor Fox is still alive.
    When  I asked Sergio when was the last time Counselor talked to Fox, he said, "yesterday."
    Rumors in Old Town travel fast, and it is my experience that you need a minimum of at least three confirmations before you believe anything. And even if the rumors are essentially correct, the details are usually totally messed up.
  Ruben Nine Toes was philosophic, "it's going to happen one of these days."
  "Well," I said looking at the rotund Mexican, "look at you, you were supposed to be dead twenty years ago. For some reason you refuse to die."
  "Don't worry," he said with his best bandido  sneer, "I'll piss on your grave."
  "I'll tell you what ,Fat Boy, if and when it gets down to the short strokes for me, and you're still alive, I'm taking you with me, comprende?"
    "Comprende up your ass."
      As our light hearted conversation on the subject of death continued I had what I thought was a great idea, "if Fox is still alive I'm going to tell him to record a message on his answering machine : This is John Fox, I'm presently dead so please don't leave me any messages, and by the way, if I forgot to tell you the last time you called, go fuck yourself."
    Ruben Nine Toes thought this was a swell idea, however, apparently not swell enough for him to have Gracie have a similar message recorded in the event of his cashing in his chips.
  "Pussy."
  "Fuck you too, you worry about your funeral old man, I'll worry about mine."
  "I'm leaving my body to science, shit eyes."
   Faggypants finally called back and said he left a message on Fox's brothers machine.

    Street Jimmy showed up this morning with a small bag and a three quarters full plastic two liter bottle of Shasta strawberry pop. He said he hadn't slept all night and he looked like it. Tobi had given me a large container of left over chicken curry and noodles for Jimmy. I told him we'd have to wait for Faggypants to heat it up. In the meantime  I agreed to let him make a run for my bagel and the papers. As I didn't think I had time today to read the NY Times today, and as it was six bucks on Sundays, I told him to just pick up the Tribune. This confused him so I had to once again write everything down for him. "Also, make sure you tell Einsteins to put my bagel in a big bag, I don't want you fondling my bagel and lox with your grubby fingers."
    When Faggypants arrived he was out of sorts, "You know how long it took me to get here this morning? I've been up since six. The train was going one mile an hour for half the trip. They put the rookies on the trains on Sundays. And when I told my mother I needed another quarter for my Sun Times guess what she said?"
  "What?"
    He was now starting to smile, "she said, what, do I look like a bank?" This made Faggypants laugh, "she's mean as a snake. "
    "Did she give you the quarter."
    "Yeah, she's going out today with my aunt Barbara. All they do is smoke and gossip. Here,"
he said handing me a rolled up copy of Sundays NY Times," I found this."
     "Found it on somebody's porch."
      Faggypants asked me if I'd heard anything about Fox?
     "No, nothing except for Sergio who says he's still alive."
     Faggypants thought that I should bring all of my Fox paintings from the Dunes and display them.
   "I think that's an excellent idea. I hope I can find them all."
     As soon as Street Jimmy came back he asked Faggypants to heat up the food Tobi sent. "I brought you a hard boiled egg and some bread, too, " Faggypants said taking the food out of his back pack. Faggypants was wearing an amazing sweater that looked like it was covered with tattoos.
    "You know Faggypants, that's a remarkable piece of clothing."
     "I love it."
     When Tobi arrived Jimmy told her he liked the food she'd made.
      Faggypants told Jimmy not to go to sleep until he helped him carry out the garbage cans, "they're real heavy today." Each time Jimmy helped Faggypants carry one of the garbage cans Faggypants yelled at him for moving too fast or too slow, and then not coordinating when they lifted up the cans and threw them into the dumpster. At one point I went outside to see what the hell was happening. There were a few bottles broken next to the dumpster.
  "Jesus, what the fucks going on."
    Jimmy said he'd clean up the bottles which Faggypants accused him of breaking.
     When calm and order was once again restored Jimmy announced that he was going to take a quick nap.
     Faggypants stopped mopping for a moment and told him he had words with the surly employee at the cigar store yesterday, "I went and had a cigar, and when the guy gave me his nasty look I said what's your problem. He said my problem is you, you're always so bouncy and happy it turns my stomach, so you know what I told him, I said , 'well, I'll try and work on it you fucking jag! So then you know what he said, he said, 'that's the first interesting thing you've ever said to me. He's bad and so is the girl, everyone else is nice."
     Grace arrived after Tobi took off for Louiville, She said she feels a million times better since she started eating vegan. Faggpants said he knew she would. Gracie said that she felt that all the soy she was eating was deleterious. Faggypants said soy is bad for you.
   "Asshole , that's all the Japanese eat and have you noticed that they are not big tubs of shit like the americans are?"
     Gracie said she was on her way to Whole Foods and she'd bring Faggpants a treat.
     Before I left Faggypants said he had to call Fox, "I need to know if he's okay." After a few incorrect dials, Faggypants  started talking to Fox who was clearly not dead. After a few brief words he handed me the phone, "hi, Foxy, there was a rumor going around about your being dead, " Fox only made a slight groaning noise, and then said, "I'm not dead...yet. Who said I was dead?"
   "One of the girls from Zanies," I couldn't think of anything helpful to say so I told him about my idea to have a message recorded telling people he was dead and to go fuck themselves .
   "Huh...ugghhh", from the groaning - moaning sound he made I could tell he didn't see the humor in my idea.  Before I hung up I promised to call him again soon.
     Faggypants said Fox sounded better than the last time he spoke to him.
    "I donno, he sounded pretty out of it. Poor guy."
     Faggypants loves singing  Three Blind Mice to wake up Street Jimmy. Surprisingly Street Jimmy doesn't seem to mind it to much.

Last night when I entered the bar Juke Box Joe told me that earlier in the day he saw Street Jimmy being rousted by two dicks. They had him up against their car for awhile but cut him loose. Maybe Jimmy had actually gone to City Hall like I told him to and had his missed court date taken care of. Anya said Clown was at the end of the bar next to the TV and he was seriously messed up. Somebody had just come from Corcoran's and they said that Clown had been kicked out of there earlier. I told Anya to not serve him and if he bitched I'd talk to him. To make matters worse Becca was sitting with Officer Bill and Juke Box Joe. Juke Box Joe told me that Mrs Clown had left the bar minutes before Clown had entered. I sat up in the window with Tobi and had a couple of beers . The bar was crowded when D Train came in and so he sat down next to Tobi and me. Rene sat with us for awhile talking to Tobi about something to do with business. When Clown learned he was cut off he came down to my end of the bar and demanded to know why ?
  "Because you're shit faced."
  "So what?"
  "You're not an asset to the bars gayety when you're wrecked."
  "That's not a good enough reason."
  "How about the fact that it has just come to my attention that Michael had to toss you out of here last night."
  "Michaels got issues. He doesn't like to see older guys hitting on younger girls."
  "I've instructed everyone who works here to make sure if a chick wants to be left alone in here she can depend on us to keep assholes from hitting on her."
  "That's stupid."
  "There's plenty of meat market joints on the street where you can turn your baseball hat backwards and hit on chicks until your hearts content , just not here."
  "I like to fuck young chicks."
  "I like to fuck young chicks, too, the only problem is young chicks don't like to fuck us."
  "Not always."
  "Maybe not in your dreams."
  This conversation went on for another five minutes before I finally extended my hand to Clown and suggested that it was time for him to say goodbye. He's clearly on a premeditated bender which can only end badly. If he works at it real hard today he has a good chance of ending up in the emergency room which is another reason I want our cracker jack staff to not let him get wasted in our place.
  Several of the regulars , Ruben Nine Toes among them, were reported to be at Burton Place at the Friday night meeting of the Flies on Shit Club.
 
  This morning I overslept. It had rained during the night which tends to lull me to sleep. Perhaps I should get a sound machine that simulates the sound of rain. I'll have to get my people on it. When I got to the bar Faggypants was going like gangbusters. He showed me the newest buttons that he'd pinned on his crisp  black apron. "I got them yesterday when I was in homo town , aren't they great."
  "They are the coolest fag buttons I've ever seen. I think I have some buttons out at the Dunes, I'll try and find them for you."
  Faggypants said that Salvation Army wouldn't take his leather couch because there was a slight tare  in  it, "look, " he said showing me a picture on his phone of the couch sitting on the sidewalk in front of his moms house, "it's a perfectly good couch."
   I agreed, "fuck the Salvation Army, they have reformed druggies working the trucks and they don't know shit."
   "You know what," Faggypants said stopping his mopping and giggling, "yesterday I showed my mom how big my bicep has gotten and you know what she said?"
  "What did she say?"
  "She said ', I'm sick of looking at your muscles." Faggypants exploded in laughter, "she's sick of looking at my muscles."
  "She's a character."
  When Street Jimmy showed up I asked him what happened with the detectives?
  "They jus' checked me out for warrants but I be clean, that judge be alright, ain't no warrant out for me yet. They never did search me 'cause I had a pipe on me I jus' put together. "
  "Perhaps that should be a warning about taking care of your court date."
  "Anya say she read the card an they already give me a new date."
  Faggypants stopped working and made Jimmy a sandwich.
  "What's in it," Jimmy said suspiciously as he inspected the sandwich.
  "Lunch meat and cheese."
  This was the second day in a row that Jimmy seemed suspicious about what was in his food, therefore I asked him,  "Jimmy, why all the sudden are you so worried about what's in your food?"
   "Because," Jimmy said gravely, "you never know when someone be tryin' to poison your ass."
  "Faggypants has been making you food for over a year and all the sudden you think he may be trying to poison you?"
  Faggypants said he was highly insulted by Jimmy's unfounded suspicions of food tampering.
  "Well," Jimmy said after chewing on his sandwich, " the lady who sleeps at Subway Sandwich when I do said terrorists be tryin' to poison her."
  "Really, and when did she tell you this?"
  "She be tellin' me this for the las' couple of days. She say she's a lawyer an' she can speak Mexican and Indian good. She say she ain't homeless but she got to hide 'cause the terrorists be after her. I tol' her that the terrorists can catch her at Subway Sandwich jus' as easy as anywhere else. She say they can't. That's why she came to America."
  "Is she black?"
  "Yeah."
  "What country is she from?"
  Jimmy struggled to pronounce the name of a country but never managed to articulate anything sufficiently coherent to even guess at a country. "She say the police are even terrorists." After Jimmy finished his sandwich and had a second lemon aid he brought up the subject of terrorists once again. "I tol' the lady that some guys axed me for my Social Security card, they said they'd give me a hundred dollars for it, only I lost it. She say they take my card and then they kill me " Jimmy turned around and looked directly into my face, " you believe that?"
  "Sure, makes sense, your homeless, if they get your ID they can become you. If they kill you and hide your body who's going to know. You're homeless , everyone would just assume you were in jail. Look at Chilly Willy, every time he went to prison nobody checked on him. When he was in the hospital for all those months everyone just thought he was back in prison."
  Jimmy seemed very concerned, "they kill me for my identity?"
  "Sure."
  "But I be a felony."
  "That would be a problem so you're probably not a prime candidate to rob and kill, however, I doubt very much if Faggypants is planning on robbing you or killing you for your ID."
  Jimmy thought for a moment and then said, "this be serious shit."
  When Jimmy started to doze off I asked him if he wanted me to sing a song for him.
  "Please don' 'cause I hate the way you sing."
  "But Jimmy , singings my life, it's all I care about." I immediately made Faggypants come over to where I was standing , and then together we sang Three Blind Mice.  After we finished Jimmy said, "I hate mice and rats, why would anyone be singing about mice? I see baby mice's I step on 'em."
  "Do they make any noise when you step on them?"
  "Hell yeah, they be squeaking and cryin' and shit."
  Faggypants thought that this was barbaric.
 
 

Yesterday evening when I arrived at the bar the corner was filled with regulars. Matt was back from a couple of weeks in Africa. It' seemed like no sooner had he returned from Asia last month than he was off to Nigeria. Rene and Brian H. were having an intense conversation in the window. When Rene got up to leave she didn't exchange her normal pleasantries with Ruben Nine Toes. This caught someone's attention and they asked Ruben what the problem was.
  "Bitch is mad at me because she said I pissed in her car."
  This declaration caught everyone's attention. "Well," Brian asked," did  you piss in her car?"
  After a dramatic pause, Ruben  said, "yes, I did piss in her car. " He said this with a straight face.
  Naturally this reply only piqued everyone's curiosity. Brian followed up his first question, "would you mind telling us why you pissed in Rene's car?"
  Ruben mulled this question for a moment before saying, again with an almost expressionless face, "bitch wanted me to drive her downtown to get her pap smear and wait in the car. She said it would only take about a half an hour , " Ruben's voice was now louder, and his tone, indignant, "so after I'm waiting for almost an hour, I  gotta take a piss but I'm in the middle of the Loop , and don't forget I'm taking these fucking water pills for my diabetes, so I take a bag that's in the car only I miss the bag and get it on the seat."
  Clearly Ruben was the victim and not the perpetrator . When everyone started laughing, Ruben started laughing too.
  When I asked Ruben how Rene responded when she saw that there was fresh piss all over her front seat Ruben said, "she got pissed off that I got piss on her seat. What was I supposed to do, for Christ sake, piss in my pants?"
  Obviously Ruben had no choice in the matter and we all agreed that Rene was an inconsiderate bitch. Ruben went on to point out that Rene earned the nick name "pee pee", from all the other broads because she was constantly leaving drops of urine on the woman's toilet seat. Lulu said that Rene did this  because of her propensity for not sitting on the toilet seat but squatting above it to avoid germs. In fairness to Rene, I haven't heard any of the girls complaining about her soiling the toilet seat in the last year or so.
  "So," I offered, "this is really a sort of payback for her pissing on the ladies room toilet seat?"
  Ruben nodded, "exactly. Goes around comes around."
  Somebody came into the bar and said that the Ale House Goose had moved across the street next to the hardware store. Looking out of the window I could see the Goose's new location. I didn't feel like carrying it back myself because it's always covered with dog urine. I told Johnny and Michael to wait for Street Jimmy to show up and then give him a dollar to move it.  Micael said he'd do it, "hell, I can just wash my hands."
  Street Jimmy came into the bar just as I was about to leave.
"Jimmy, where were you , I was going to give you ten bucks to carry the Goose from way down the street but when you didn't show up Micael did it."
  "Sheet, ten bucks, damn." Jimmy said something from the court had come in the mail that afternoon and he handed me the card. Jimmy receives all of his mail at the bar.  "Well, it says your last court date was the 23rd, and today is the 26th, and you're supposed to get your ass down to the Daley Center and take this to the court and get a new date."
  "When?"
  "As soon as possible. Remember, if you get busted before you take care of this they're hauling your ass to Cook County Jail. You better do it first thing in the morning."
  After an inordinate amount of planning, and counter planning, Jimmy managed to hustle two dollars from me so that he could take the train to the airport, sleep, then come back in the morning, sweep and go to the store for me  so that he'd be able to earn another two dollars so that he could go downtown to the Daley Center and take care of his "bidness."
  Before I got into my car I said, "Jimmy, if I find out that you didn't lie low at the airport I'm gonna be crushed. And remember, this two bucks is strictly and advance on your sweeping and going to the store for me."
  Jimmy assured that he was going to follow our carefully thought out plan to perfection.

  This morning Street Jimmy was waiting for me in front of the bar when I pulled up. He said Faggpants had already been there for a long time.
  "So Jimmy, I don't suppose there's any possibility you actually went to the airport last night?"
  Grinning from ear to ear Jimmy shook his head, "nah, I jus' slept at Subway Sandwich. It cool, I didn' get busted."  
 Faggypants said that he had to get out of the house early because the people were shampooing his moms carpets. Look, "pointing at the clean floor, "I'm almost done except for the restrooms."
  "Wonderful."
  After he sat down Jimmy said that, " Nettie be trying to get some niggers to jump on my ass."
  "How do you know?"
  "I be hearin' shit. She keep fuckin' with me I get some of the sisters to crawl up her ass good. I ain't gonna sit by and let Nettie run no game on me."
  Faggpants put a nice grilled cheese sandwich in front of Jimmy.
  "Where'd this come from," Jimmy said lifting a piece of bread suspiciously and then carefully studying the the contents of the sandwich?
  "My mom made it this morning."
  "She don' know me, why'd she make me a sandwich?"
  "I told her you were homeless
  "It's lucky she doesn't know you or else she probably wouldn't have sent you a sandwich," I followed this observation up with my Crusty the Clown laugh which invariably makes Faggypants cringe.  Jimmy , after adding a heaping dose of hot sauce to the sandwich , said that it was very good.
  "Maybe you should tell Faggypants to thank his mom."
  "Tell your mamma thank you, Faggypants."
  When Faggypants went into the ladies restroom he let out a shriek. Emerging from the ladies room door he said, "there's shit all over. Somebody shit everywhere!"
  "Please," Jimmy pleaded, "don' be talkin' 'bout shit while I be eatin'."
  When Faggypants demanded that I come into the ladies room and look at the shit I told him that I don't like looking at shit. "Is it diarrhea ?"
  "No, it's big chunks."
  "Jesus, how can a broad miss the toilet with big chunks. It must've been intentional. "
  "I can't imagine any other woman using the john after this happened , they must've used the mens room."
  Jimmy again begged us to stop the shit talk while he was eating.
  It took Faggypants a good twenty minutes to clean up the disgusting poop. During the entire time he was in the ladies room you could hear him gasping for breath and groaning.
  After Faggypants finished cleaning he got out of his work clothes, hung up his apron in the back room and then minced his way to the end of the bar and said, "do I look like a guy who cleans toilets."
  "No," I said admiring his color coordinated beige and brown outfit, "you are one super cool twink."
  Jimmy said he too thought Faggypants was a cool dresser.
  After Faggypants sat down and started drinking another beer he said that he woke up in the middle of the night and watched Apocalypse Now on the TV, "it was really good, I thought Robert Duvall was terrific. The star, I forget his name , he looks just like his son, you know , the one who's always in trouble for taking drugs."
  "Sheen, yeah, well I personally thought he was the weak link in the movie. Harvey Kietel was originally supposed to play the part but he didn't want to commit for a year."
  "He would have been good."
  After Jimmy came in from sweeping the cigarette butts he said he told some guy in a car , "to move the fuck outa my way, can't  you see I be sweepin'. "
  "Jimmy, did it ever occur to you to say, 'excuse me sir, but could you not park there for a moment while I sweep the cigarette butts."
  Jimmy disagreed, "he moved the hell outa there right fast after I tol' him to."
  Faggypants thought he'd go to the zoo. Jimmy said he'd probably head over to the church and continue his nap. I suggested that before he took a nap he take his two dollars, hop on the bus and get his court shit taken care of, "you can panhandle on your way back. Cops won't fuck with you as long as you're moving. "
  Jimmy said he'd consider my suggestion.

  I was in the middle of a lovely nap when the telephone rang a few minutes ago. It was a semi drunk Faggypants. He wanted to tell me that after he finished cleaning the bar he went to the cigar store and indulged himself in a wonderful cigar, then , afterwards while walking down Wells St he stopped at the pet store and amused himself by playing with the puppies in the window. As if  this wasn't exciting enough, he discovered that the pet store, "had my birds favorite bird seed. Can you believe it, now I won't have to go to that horrible pet store in Westchester anymore. And then do you know what happened?"
  "Faggypants, " I said yawning loudly, "I don't know if I can handle anymore excitement today."
  "After I paid the young lady, she said, thank you Faggypants! Do you realize that everyone seems to know me?"
  "Faggypants, that's what being a celebrity is all about. You're simply going to have to get used to it."
  After Faggypants got done laughing his excited drunken laugh, he abruptly hung up.
  Last night when I arrived at the bar Mierka was sitting on a stool busily working on my play, Cavity Search. She says she has a young, energetic director. I once again told Mierka how much I loved her. Jay was again drinking shots, and again repeating himself. He said Ruben Nine Toes had walked a little without his walker. Ruben told Jay to mind his own fucking business. I said, "that's great Ruben, you can walk a little after getting your big toe cut off a year ago. That's almost as impressive as the guy with no legs who's getting ready to compete in the olympics in the hundred meter dash."
  Ruben suggested that I go fuck myself, and then he said, "if you didn't have the dumb polock bitch supporting you you'd be begging for quarters with Street Jimmy."
  The dumb polock bitch he was referring to was ,Tobi. "Well, fat boy, I guess the polock bitch is dumb, because she lets you run a twenty thousand dollar tab which you'll never pay." This accurate assessment of Rubens financial obligation to Tobi made Ruben smile. The conversation gradually changed to Ruben's choir boy days at St Micael's church after Touhy arrived. Touhy said he was never a choir boy because he never learned the Latin words you're supposed to know. Ruben immediately repeated something in Latin with a self satisfied smirk.
  "Ruben, " I asked curiously, " did any of the priests ever suck that tiny Mexican dick of yours while you were a choirboy?"
  Ruben shook his head, "no, but I used to steal the wine. All of the priests were juice heads."
  "Well, " I continued, " no wonder you feel neglected, all the other kids were getting their dicks sucked but you."
  Ruben insisted that he'd gotten his first piece of ass when he was eight. Obviously everyone scoffed at Rubens braggadocio. Even when Ruben was just a kid he had to weigh in at two hundred pounds, so the only way he could have possibly had sex was with a pair of tweezers.
  Touhy is excited about some piece he just wrote about wrongful deaths for Rob Warden. Unfortunately, my various literary activities have cast a shadow over his new article. When I told Touhy the only pleasure I seek from my literary efforts is glory, and making my enemies jealous, he scoffed.
  "All new writers say that."
  Before Gracie got off of work she told me that Faggypants had run amok at Whole Foods that afternoon,  "they charge by the pound so he gets a tiny bit of everything from the salad bar, and then he runs way to the back of the store and gets olives and stuff that are way more expensive and puts them in his salad so he only has to pay the cheaper price. I'd already finished  my food by the time  he'd bought his wine and was ready to sit down and eat."
  This  morning when I arrived at the bar Street Jimmy was standing in front of the doorway. Before I could even unlock the front gate he said, " Nettie was aroun' las' night an she be tryin' to come in the lounge and so I tol' her to keep her ass outa here 'cause you don' wan' her in here, and she say somebody , one of those Second City boys, owed her money."
  "Did Hawkeye let her in?"
  Jimmy shook his head, "uh, uh, but she stood in the doorway so when I tol' her to move her black ass from in front of the lounge she tol' me not to put my hands on her and so I give her a shove, I never hit her, I jus' give her a shove and so then she ran over to Starbucks and tol' some cops and so when they came by I was smart and I got the broom out from behind the dumpster and I started sweepin' and I tol' the cops that I be workin' here and Nettie ain't allowed and so the lady cop say, Jimmy, if she calls the po-leece one more time we gots to take somebody in. "
  When Jimmy started to repeat the story for a second time I told him that I didn't like the cops having to come to the bar for stupid shit. Jimmy said he understood, but then went on to add that Bobby Mason , "and two other niggers be hanging aroun' in front of the lounge after I ran Nettie off and so I ran their asses off too. I tol' Bobby , Bruce don' wan' near his lounge, an' he say, 'Bruce ain't here,' and I say next time I see his nasty ass on Sedgwick while he be gettin' his medicine I fuck him up. "
  As I don't want either Bobby Mason or Nettie hanging around the front of the bar I let the police incident slide.
  When Faggypants showed up he had the shakes bad. Clown arrived at the same time and said that he had to wait until the bank on the corner opened before he could go to work. When I commented on how bad  Faggypants  had the shakes he held up his rapidly vibrating right hand and proclaimed, "my hand's not shaking."
  After I asked Clown whether he considered  the violent motions Faggypants'  hand was undergoing ,  shaking,  he said, "yes, it's definitely shaking. It's not as bad as mine was last week. I couldn't even work my computer it was so bad."
  "Well," Faggypants said, grabbing his broom, "as soon as I sit down and relax it'll stop shaking."
  "You mean after you have four or five beers."
  After Jimmy returned from the store with my papers and my bagel Faggypants made him some pork and beans. Unfortunately , when Faggypants took the pork and beans out of the microwave his hands were shaking so badly that he spilled some of the pork and beans all over the bar.
  "Damn', Jimmy said disgustedly, "Faggypants , you be wasting all my pork and beans."
  "Faggypants," I added, "it looks like you just performed an abortion on the bar."
  Faggypants , moving quickly, ran into the back room, broke down a cardboard box, slid the pork and beans onto the cardboard and served Jimmy his food on the box. After Jimmy sat down at he table where his food had been placed,  he said impatiently, "Faggypants, I needs hot sauce, lemonade and chips."
  Faggypants made a distinct moaning sound as he scurried around getting Jimmy his other culinary items.
  While he was sweeping Faggypants stopped for a moment and told Clown and me about Whole Foods, "they have a wonderful atmosphere there, but it's  not cheap, after I bought my bottle of wine for three fifty, the whole bill came to seventeen fifty. That's just like eating in a good restaurant. "
  "But the important thing is that it was good?"
  "Oh, yes. Wonderful."
  After Jimmy finished eating he said he was going to take a quick nap. About five minutes later he started talking in his sleep. None of us could ever remember his having done this before.
  Faggypants was in a chatty mood and started telling Clown and me about one of his jobs during his tool designing days, "my boss, who was a wonderful man, his name was Ray Streck. When they'd announce his name on the loud speaker it sounded like, 'Race Track', so one summer his son came to work for us and one day the loud speaker said, 'paging Race Track Jr.'. Faggypants thought this was probably the funniest thing he'd ever heard.
 

This morning Tobi and Faggypants were already busily at work when I arrived at the bar. It was starting to rain again and I wanted Street Jimmy to make a run to the store for me but he wasn't here yet. Clown came in. He's been sober for a couple of days, and it's noticeable. Apparently he still possesses  a modicum of a survival instinct. Although work was boring , he said he got a lot done yesterday. Tobi has had him do some work for her other business and she said he's quite good. Clown said that after his last Clownfest Show at Corcorans he forgot to take his clown paint out of his pocket, and when he took his clothes out of the washer they had white clown paint all over them. "I ended up having to take them all to the dry cleaners." I guess that's one of the dangers of being a clown. When the subject of his recent tantrum came up (he took the bait after we spread the three way sex rumor about Officer Bill, Lisa and Becca) and he called me cruel names, he said he went home afterwards and his defibrillator went off.
  "Did you go to the hospital?"
  "No, it's happened three times before."
  "What are you supposed to do."
  "Well," Clown said through his impish smile," I guess I'm supposed to go to the emergency room. They gave me a device that I'm supposed to hold up to the phone after I call the hospital, but I left it over at Mrs Clown's,  it's supposed to tell them vital information. I can kind of tell when it's going to go off, I get this dizzy feeling and everything gets kind of blurry."
  Faggypants and I both thought it was not wise for Clown not go to the hospital when his defibrillator  goes off. Clown didn't disagree with us.
  When Tobi said that she woke up at six this morning because of her allergies, Clown said that he woke  up at five, not to be out done, Faggypants said he woke up at two. I trumped all of them when I announced I hadn't slept in two weeks.
  Street Jimmy finally showed up. He said the rain had stopped.
  "Where'd you sleep?"
  "Subway Sandwich."
  "Was the lady there again?"
  "Yeah, she be there every night."
  "Did she talk again."
  Jimmy shook his head, "nah, she keep quiet since I 'splained shit to her."
  When I asked Jimmy if he could sleep okay sitting up in a chair he said it was not a problem.
  After I opened the side door for Jimmy I noticed some of the old black Jehovah Witness ladies that walk down the street every morning as they were passing by. One of the ladies was wearing a remarkable gold colored jacket. Every time I see them I think back to the time when Indy and I were living in Berkeley. I came home from school one morning and Indy was talking to three reasonably attractive young ladies about the Jehovah Witness religion. What made this so interesting was the fact that Indy was completely naked. She always cleaned the house naked. I was never sure why, but she was born in Bali and was , I guess, a child of nature. The Jehovah Witness ladies seemed to treat the situation as not the least bit unusual. I guess, considering it was Berkeley in the 60's, it really wasn't that unusual.
  Speaking of old girlfriends, Carole, my first cohabitation girlfriend ( she had the greatest tits of any girl I have ever banged) had sent me a letter several months ago about the death of her younger brother. Unfortunately, Gracie had not only opened it, but had misplaced it and had just found it two days ago. This angered me, first because she has no business opening my personal mail , and secondly , because she misplaced it. When I called Carole in Manhattan Kansas, she described the gruesome details of her brothers death from cancer. I have only met her brothers grotesquely ugly wife two times,  but not only is she hideous to look at, but she has a personality to match. She has a dress store around the corner from the bar but I've never seen her on the street in all of the years I've been in Old Town. Carole said that even though her brother was close to death, his wife and four of her gay boy friends (she's a text book fag hag) went to Mexico.  He died on New Years Eve while she was still in Mexico . Carole , it turns out, is a huge fan of Anthony Bordain and wants me to get his autograph for her. "Have him make it out to Carole from Kansas." I assured her I'd make every effort to achieve her request.
  Tobi has been cleaning  out her pantry for the last week and made some Mexican food which she brought for Street Jimmy. He said it was delicious. When Jimmy asked for hot sauce Tobi told him she'd already added it. Jimmy said he was going to need another nap so he went directly to sleep after eating.
  Faggypants said that he got  bird food yesterday for his two parakeets. "If they don't get their mullet seed they become angry."
  "What do they do when they become angry?"
  "They make a lot of noise and don't behave."
  After Tobi left I couldn't find the back up money envelope. I made Faggypants help me search for it. Before the search was completed I called Tobi , but while the phone was ringing we discovered it in the wrong drawer so I hung up the phone. Faggypants was amused by my incompetence. "Faggypants, I am a moron. In fact I'm a complete fucking idiot." When Faggypants made no response I said, " tell me that I'm a total idiot!" Still no response, "I'm serious , Faggypants, tell me what a fucking fuck up I am!" When I insisted once again that he needed to follow my instructions and berate me for my stupidity, he said, "I don't want to."
  Street Jimmy wasn't that hard to wake up, but he was still tired and said he was going to the church to saw a few more z's.
  Faggypants and Gracie are going to Whole Foods for lunch. I hope to hell we get a lot of rain today at the Dunes.

Yesterday while I was driving back from the Dunes I saw Street Jimmy entering a porto potty on Wieland St in front of a  building where they are building a new three flat. Jimmy seems to like the privacy of porto potty's to smoke crack. Personally, I've never liked the ambience of your typical portable toilet, I've always been more of an open spaces guy. When I got to the bar Jay was drinking shots. When Jay drinks shots he repeats himself...a lot. It took D Train to finally figure out which channel the Cub game was on . Because the Blackhawks were getting ready to lose their fourth playoff game,  they flipped the Cub game over to another channel. Grace Little Feathers one hundred and fifty thousand dollar college education was no help in finding the game. We had to wait until D Train arrived from work to figure things out. There's a forty five minute to one hour window when he's clear headed enough to perform complex tasks, after that , forget it. Ruben Nine Toes was grouchy and was sitting on a stool in the middle of the bar. Mierka was there with a gang from the Red Orchid Theater. She said she was assembling a cast to do the public reading of my brilliant play, Cavity Search. She thought they could put it on by the third week of May. This is exciting news. She said that Guy VonSwearingen Jr. has still not picked up his copy of the play. I hope he does, I know he's busy at the fire station, but I think , being a guy and a Chicagoan, he'd understand certain aspects better than almost anyone else.
  This morning   not only was Street Jimmy waiting for me, but Clown was also walking down the street
 just as I pulled up. After I let the three of us inside the door I noticed  a note saying that the people upstairs threw water out of their window at some of our customers who were smoking. The people upstairs are extremely annoying. When they want something (like using our crawl space to do plumbing on their bathroom) they are affable but when they don't need anything they are very creepy. The guy, who has to be in his fifties, wears bizarre pants that look like they were made out of garish table clothes. He has a blonde perm and speaks with a sort of super low talking, lisping British accent. His tiny wife has recently started adopting her husbands menopausal dress style. I've always wondered about people who buy a house next to a busy airport, or above a four o clock bar, and then seem surprised when there's some noise. It's a shame Art and Bea never bought the condo, it would have saved a lot of headaches. It took the odd little people upstairs five or six years to finally admit that their plumbing was causing mayor leaks to our ceiling.
   When I told Street Jimmy that I saw him entering the porto potty to smoke crack he tried to shush me, "hey," he said in a lowered voice, "don' be puttin'  my bidness on the street. Cops could find out...and I wasn't smokin' no crack, I was smokin' a joint."
  This caused Clown to chuckle.
  "Well Jimmy, " I said, "I really don't think that's the explanation you're looking for if your talking to a cop. And everyone knows you don't smoke pot because it makes you cough too much."
  Jimmy thought this over for a moment and finally smiled, "yeah, that a fucked up excuse."
  I sent Jimmy to Einsteins and for my papers. While he was gone Faggypants arrived with a medium case of the  shakes. He said that he'd slept well, "I was listening to he Black Hawk game on the radio and I had the Cub game on the TV, and all I can remember was the Cubd pre game and then I must've fallen asleep and when I woke up it was three in the morning."
   After I made some disparaging remarks about the Hawks choking , faggypants insisted that the Hawks are not chokes and that Arizona was just dirty.
    After Jimmy returned he put my papers at the end of the bar where Clown was busy on his computer. When he saw the front page photo of Jennifer Hudson in court he wanted to know what was going on. Faggypants explained the gruesome triple  murder of the various Hudson relatives. Jimmy seemed fascinated by the details and asked if he could read my paper. I said okay but he seemed to quit reading a minute or two later complaining that he needed reading glasses. When I asked Faggypants exactly who Jennifer Hudson was he said she was wonderful and that she won American Idol and was in a real good movie and that she used to be real fat but now she's beautiful. Jimmy thought the murderer was a "psycyo mutha fucka."
  When Clown got up to go to work he said he didn't mind his job, just the boring assholes he has to work with.
  "I guess that's why they call it work, having never had a real job of my own I can only imagine what a nightmare it must be to get up every morning and do something you don't feel like doing for eight hours."
  I don't think Clown was that appreciative of my sympathy. I told him Mrs Clown had been in last night. She's still limping pretty bad. She said the nut job pit bull jumped on her while she was walking up the stairs." Clown did no seem to know the details of her injury and listened carefully to what I was saying.
  Street Jimmy said that he was outside when the people upstairs threw the water out their window. "If they'da done that shit to me I woulda busted their mutha fuckin' window. Don' make no sense people be doin' shit like that."
  After Faggypants fixed Jimmy some canned pork and beans, Jimmy said, "Faggypants, you only forgot one thing?"
  "What's that?"
  "My chips."
  I said, "Jimmy, tell Faggypants that you forgive him for forgetting your chips."
  Jimmy smiled, "uh, uh, fuck him, I ain't forgivin' him."
  As he tossed the chips in front of Jimmy,  Faggypants said dramatically,  "oh Jimmy, please forgive me, please."
  After Gracie called and asked for Faggypants I heard Faggypants tell her, "he's been doing his Crusty the Clown laugh all morning and he's driving me nuts." After some comment from Gracie he burst out in laughter. After he hung up he said that after he complained to Gracie about me she said you only have to deal with him for an hour or two, I had to deal with him for 27 years." Faggypants then laughed again. According to Faggypants Gracie and he are going to Whole Foods for brunch as soon as he finishes cleaning.
  After he got done cleaning Faggypants sat down next to me and said that his rash was almost gone, "it was a very serious breakout, I knew that I dare not scratch it, I'm sure it was some kind of bacteria, think of all the germs I'm coming in contact with when I scrubbing toilets?" He's sure the new gloves will solve the recurring rash problem. He said he'd called Fox yesterday  and that Fox didn't sound good, "he was in a lot of pain, when you have cancer you have good days and bad days."
  "Mostly bad days, I think."
  "Probably."

Gracie and I were working feverishly Sunday on getting the best of my best blog entries ready to send off to NY. Unfortunately Gracie was bar tending so we weren't able to finish yesterday and decided to finish Monday morning. D Train was wrecked by the time I got back from the Dunes. When he's like that his face shows absolutely no trace that there is anything resembling blood circulating anywhere from his neck upwards. His eyes are foggy and unfocused and his response time to the simplest questions take forever. For some reason he wanted to talk about the Ale House (D Trains) Web Cite. Of course we all know from previous experience that he won't remember anything that has transpired since around noon. Tobi is going to have to step in and work with him during his brief periods of sobriety.

This morning , a few minutes after I arrived at the bar, Street Jimmy knocked. It wasn't his almost dead secret knock , today, but a lively, up beat secret knock. Jimmy was bursting with energy after I let him in the door. "I slept my ass off yesterday. I didn' take no drugs, no nuthin', man was I tired."

"I've never seen you so tired as you've been the last couple of days, where'd you sleep?"

"All over, church, then it got too cold so I went to Subway Sandwich. The lady that been sleepin' there be talkin' to me so I say, girl, don' be talkin' to me 'cause I gots to sleep, an then she keep talkin' so I had to come down on her ass hard...When I wakes up I went to the meeting at Mustard Seed."

"You talk?"

"Hell yeah, I talks. I talks my ass off. I say I'm Street Jimmy an I'm an addict but I ain't ready to quit yet. I keeps it real."

I gave Jimmy fifteen dollars and told him to get me my papers and a bagel with cream cheese and lox. While he was making the run for me Faggypants arrived. He said that when he got home yesterday the painters were still working on his mothers living room, "the boss, I watched him wallpaper, he was amazing, he'd cut the wall paper at angles, and it would be perfect, and he could do it in fifteen seconds. They did the whole room in one day."

"How many painters?"

"About five, I think."

When Jimmy got back with my order he started yelling at Faggypants about stealing his hot sauce the previous day.

"You've used gallons of our hot sauce, so I took your bottle. Steel some more, for gods sake."

"You had no bidness takin my hot sauce."

"Jimmy, you stupid fuck- head, Faggypants fixes you food every morning , and you're bitching about some hot sauce."

In spite of Jimmy's insolence and ingratitude Faggypants whipped up some instant macaroni and cheese that he'd pilfered from his mothers cupboard . Jimmy watched Faggypants intently as he mixed the ingredients together.

"That shit don' look like no macaroni and cheese, it look like slop, I ain't eatin it."

Faggypants , who has a bad case of the shakes today, screamed at Jimmy, "just wait, I'm not done."

"Jimmy," I added, "that's the stuff the soldiers eat in Afghanistan, they wouldn't give them shit because they need to fight."

This observation seemed to calm Jimmy down, and after taking a tentative bite of the macaroni and cheese his face brightened, "hey, this ain't bad, it ain't bad at all." Jimmy was completely wide awake after finishing his food and he started talking about his old gang days as a Cobra. "I tell the young bucks I been through what you be goin' through, but don' you be fuckin' with my bread an' butter, I gots to explain to them that they fuck up they bring heat on everyone. When I was young (after 35 most Cobras reach an emeritus status and retire) we be havin' what we call Cobra love," Jimmy paused and stared at me, "you know what I be sayin'?"

"No, I don't know what you be sayin'."

"If somebody fuck up we'd get him in a circle and we'd all kick him in the head until he get pumpkin head, you know, when your head get all swelled up like a big pumpkin, and then we tell him that what happens when you be fuckin' with our bread and butter, and then when he gets up we say Cobra love - you gets honor , see you gots to honor survival?"

Although I still didn't have a clear idea of what either Cobra love, or Cobra honor were, I didn't press the point.

After I paid Jimmy for sweeping and going to the store he held the money in his hand and said, "okay, I gots four dollars."

"You mean the crack dealer has four dollars."

"I ain't given it all to the crack dealer" he said as he hurried out the door.

Gracie arrived with her computer so we could finish our work on the blog. We interrupted almost immediately when Faggypants discovered another ugly rash on the inside of his forearms, "I need new rubber gloves!"

Gracie said that the rash was the result of getting moisture inside the rubber gloves. Faggypants insisted that he needed a new pair of rubber gloves so I gave him two fifty.

Gracie and I had narrowed down the number of our top blog choices to around twenty. We then managed to narrow that down to around ten. Gracie would then set up each blog so that I could edit and polish it. It took us two or three hours to do this. We were interrupted several more times by Faggypants aimless chatter. I had warned him repeatedly not to talk while I was in my creative mode. When I finally threatened to choke him he giggled and said that whenever I choke him it reminds him of Homer Simpson choking Bart. He was on to something, there were similarities. Speaking of the Simpsons, I've developed a really good Crusty the Clown laugh which drives Faggypants nuts. I think the reason that Faggypants idle chatter was so disruptive was because it was happening in isolation. When the bar is full and there is noise coming from every direction I can still write.

When we were finally done and Gracie was getting ready to send the blogs off to NY I said, "these are truly amazing efforts. I honestly don't know how I do it...I think I might be some kind of idiot savant because I can't remember most things but I can remember conversations I've had with people thirty and sometimes forty years ago."

Because Gracie has been on her best behavior since she's been handling my up and coming literary career she made no comment as to whether she thought her father was either an idiot or a savant.

Yesterday I spent an exhausting day at the Dunes reviewing my blogs. Because I'm computer challenged I haven't figured out to make the print bigger and therefore even reading my brilliant prose becomes tedious after a while. A shout out to Grace Littlefeather who's been a real trooper and somehow managed to read all five hundred pages by late last night. When I arrived at the bar around eight I heard more details about the fight in the bar the previous night. The moron that threw the bottle that hit the guy sitting in the window in the forehead ran out the door, but the guy he hit as well as two of his companions managed to catch the guy in a matter of seconds. They immediately started working the guy over. When Rudy tried to intervene one of the guys, apparently thinking Rudy was trying to help the bottle thrower, knocked Rudy against the wall. Rudy said that he finally explained to the guys who he was. Unfortunately Rudy's got some sore ribs today. Timmy managed to get the guys to stop pounding on the guy, who was now in a fetal position, by telling them the cops were on their way. As soon as they stopped beating him up the guy got slowly to his feet, and then when everyone's guard was down, took off running. Rudy caught him by his hoody just as the cops pulled up. The guy that was hit by the bottle signed a complaint, and the cops cuffed the asshole and tossed him in the back of their squad car. Rudy said that one of the cops, after being told what happened, said to Rudy, "those guys must not be from Chicago or they'd still be kicking the shit out of him." I found this observation quite humorous.

Street Jimmy showed up around nine with a couple of pairs of shoes. Knowing that I wear size 11's, he handed them to me and said they were size 11's. After I tried one on I told him they were a little too big. He then told Timmy, who was bar tending , that they were eleven and 1\2's. When Timmy asked Jimmy how much he wanted for the shoes Ruben Nine Toes stuck his big fat Mexican nose into the negotiations and said, "give him five dollars."

"You give him five dollars , fatso," was my response to Ruben Nine Toes meddling, "Jimmy , they're only worth three dollars."

Once Ruben put the bug in Jimmy's ear about five dollars, Jimmy was adamant .

"Okay," I said taking the shoes from Timmy and putting them back in the bag, "go find someone that will give you five. "

Jimmy is a poor negotiater and quickly gave in and took the three dollars.

This morning I woke up late. I was not my perky self. I certainly didn't have that many beers the previous night, I know it was under ten. Perhaps all of the reading I've been doing lately is the reason, plus I haven't been doing any physical labor in the yard. I made a mental note to check my blood pressure when I reached the bar. Faggypants was already there when I arrived. Usually I beat him on Sundays because the trains are so slow. Yesterday he'd called me and in a somewhat incoherent voice told me he needed to spend a night at Tobi's house because his mother was driving him nuts. I told him to work out the details with Tobi. After I took off my coat he elaborated on his mothers behavior: "She has to be bi-polar. She insists that when I get off of the electric lazy boy chair that I pull the plug out, I'm only allowed to open the drapes a certain distance, she wants me to use one lamp, and not another, it just goes on and on. Everyday she has more rules. I can't take it anymore."

My blood pressure was 147 over 87. Too high.

Faggypants said that yesterday he saw the polar bear movie about global warming even though Roger had only given it two stars.

"Why did Roger only give it two stars?"

"Because he said it was too preachy. My god, the poor polar bears are starving. People need to know about it." He then went on to describe how the big male polar bears will eat baby polar bears if the get hungry enough and how a mother bear protected her cubs even though she was half the size of the male polar bear.

Tobi arrived with some food for me and a few things she cleaned out of her cabinet for Jimmy. When Street Jimmy showed up he was once again barely conscious. He said he'd been sleeping at Subway Sandwich. I'm surprised they let him sleep there. He said another lady was sleeping in there too, but she was gone when he woke up. "I gots to sleep in a chair, but it okay."

Tobi heated up one of the dishes of food she'd brought for him before he fell asleep. Jimmy couldn't have been more pleased with whatever it was that she'd made for him. "This is delicious...I love rice...this food will fill you up, damn, it's good." When I asked Jimmy what they'd fed him yesterday at the church he said, "they didn't feed us good, they give us tuna, orange juice, fruit cocktail, and a pack of cookies. " Before Jimmy went to sleep he asked Tobi if she happened to have any clean socks? Amazingly, Tobi said she had a couple of pairs in her car. After she brought Jimmy the socks he went to sleep.

A couple of lights were out in the bar so I walked across the street to the hardware store for a special bulb for the fan light. Bruno was in the doorway.

"Who's late?"

"Nick's not late yet, we don't open until ten."

"Well, if you get cold, knock on the window."

"He'll be here."

While I was talking to Bruno a very hot little blonde, wearing really long knock me down and fuck me high heels, came walking down Weiland St with a tall guy in sweat clothes. It was a classic walk of shame moment but at least the guy had enough class to walk with her and help her get a cab. The chick was wearing something that looked more like a shawl than a skirt. She was holding it tightly. When a cab pulled up the guy gave her a nice smooch and as she bent over to get into the cab a gust of wind blew the shawl thing in the air revealing a marvelous, completely bare ass. She let out a good natured, "whoops", as she slid the rest of the way into the cab. Now the sight of this lovely naked ass conjured up a slew of youthful memories. I think I actually sighed as I wondered where the chick must have lost her skirt and her panties.

When I got back to the bar Faggypants was in a dither over a rash that had suddenly appeared on his wrists and forearms. He rushed into the back room and came back with some special soap he keeps there. After he carefully washed his arms with the soap he said, "this is much better. See," he said holding up the soap, "this soap has active ingredients that kill bacteria."

Waking up Jimmy was even harder than yesterday. To make matters worse he couldn't find his Kango hat. Faggypants said that he'd put the hat into Jimmy bag. I was in a hurry to get to the Dunes to work on my Blog and so I demanded that the situation of the missing hat be resolved quickly. Fortunately Gracie was there by now and she said she'd handle Jimmy.

I spent five or six delightful hours reviewing my former Blog posts yesterday afternoon. Anthony Bourdain's assistant contacted Gracie in the morning and asked her to produce a one page biography of her genius father, and to select five or ten of our favorite Blogs. Of course Gracie was not satisfied with the bio I whipped up, but I think in such matters brevity is what's required, because, as I explained to Gracie, they aren't asking for War and Peace. To Gracie's credit she started at the beginning and has already made it through about a year and a half. Tobi printed out the entire blog, which turns out to be over five hundred pages. I didn't realize I'd been that prolific.

I started my review at the most recent postings and proceeded to work backwards. As I read my blogs I was overwhelmed by the skill and dexterity , as well as the all around brilliance, of my writing. I can't tell you how many times my wit and humor brought me to tears. Upon reading the blog of Faggypants trying to install the weather stripping on my Honda again, I simply had to stop and catch my breath because I was laughing so hard. Gracie has already come up with ten of her personal favorites and she's not half way done yet. I guess what amazes me the most about my blogs is the fact that they are all first drafts, and many of them written in near chaotic conditions.

Last night I arrived at the bar late. Ruben Nine Toes was again at the Friday meeting of the Flies on Shit Club down at Burton Place. He was not missed. Street Jimmy wanted me to get him his warm overcoat from the basement. I told him I was relaxing and didn't feel like getting up, unlocking the basement door , and going down the stairs. He pleaded with me, "it's cold outside, I ain't got enough clothes to keep warm."

"I'll do it on one condition."

"What 'dat?"

"You tell me how much you love me."

"I love you", he said this with a straight face.

"How much?"

Now he smiled, " a whole fucking lot."

"Do you love me more than you love Jesus?"

"Now you know I cain't say that."

"Then have Jesus get you a warm coat."

Without a moments hesitation Jimmy said, "I love you more than I love Jesus."

Lee's eyes widened when he heard this and he said, "Jimmy , now you can't go to heaven."

Jimmy told Lee that he was definitely sure he was going to heaven.

I couldn't find where Faggypants had put the warm coat, but I did manage to find a pretty warm coat in the lost and found. Jimmy seemed pleased with the back up coat.

This morning I beat Faggypants to the bar. There was a note from the night bartenders that there had been a fight when some asshole threw a beer bottle at another guy. It was apparently unprovoked and they grabbed the bottle thrower and held him for the police. This is unusual for the Ale House, there are very few fights anymore.

When Faggypants arrived he said that he saw a couple of movies yesterday. The first one was named Bully, "it was really good, and it showed how kids pick on smaller more vulnerable kids and the asshole teachers don't do anything about it. The audience hated the teachers."

"Was it a documentary?"

"Yeah."

"How many stars did Roger give it."

"Three."

"Why only three?"

"Because he said didn't know what the message was and that it just made him sad. The chimpanzee movie was even better. " Faggypants proceeded to describe almost the entire movie to me. "Ebert gave it three stars but I'd give it at least three and a half." Faggypants was particularly moved by the way the alpha male chimp adopted an orphan chimp that no other chimp would adopt.

Faggypants said that he's upset with Gracie because she won't go to any concerts with him.

"Why?"

"She says she hates crowds. I love crowds , the bigger the better."

Street Jimmy looked half asleep when he arrived. He'd been sleeping inside Subway Sandwich Shop until the morning crowd started showing up. "Some dirty mutha fucka stole my peanut butter yesterday while I was at McDonald's. I wanna find out who he was 'cause I definitely gonna fuck the mutha fucka up good. I'm gonna ask the boss to look on the movies and see who done it."

"Good luck with that."

Jimmy said he was hungry. Faggypants dropped mopping and came out of the back room holding the remaining bags of Jimmy's instant mac and cheese, "I'm going to toss this out, I'll cook you the ravioli you brought the other day."

"Okay."

"Don't fall asleep if he's going to cook you food."

Jimmy could barely keep his eyes open, "okay."

"Who gave you the ravioli?"

"The church did... St Michael's ."

In a couple of minutes Faggypants placed the food in front of the nearly comatose Jimmy . Jimmy did, however, remember to say, "thank you mother fucker."

This always makes Faggypants giggle.

Within seconds of eating his canned ravioli Jimmy was asleep.

Faggypants said that he watched TV when he got home yesterday. His mother was at work so he was alone with his birds. "I watched Modern Marvel, it's a science show, it's one of my favorite shows." By the time he finished cleaning the bar Faggypants was sweating and gasping for air. He works full tilt and he says cleaning is a great way to get your aerobics in.

When it was time to leave I had a particularly difficult time rousing Jimmy. The first thing he said was, "I'm hungry."

"Hi, I'm Bruce, nice to meet you."

"Give me a dollar so I can go to McDonalds and get some coffee."

"Fuck you , go get a dollar from some chump."

After he repeated that he was hungry I reminded him that the church on Lasalle St gives out free lunches every Saturday. Jimmy thanked me for reminding him. He didn't even bother to tie his shoe laces. After we walked out the door together he shuffled off in the general direction of the church on Lasalle St without even saying goodbye to me.

Got home from the Dunes early yesterday afternoon so Tobi and I took a walk downtown. It wasn't bad walking with the wind at our backs. We stopped at the Billy Goat and had a couple of cocktails. Jeff, the bartender, said Timmy had been there earlier and had told him about my conversation with Anthony Bourdain. All I could say to Jeff was, "who deserves it more than me?"

Ruben Nine Toes was not sitting in his usual seat by the door. This usually means that someone sat next to him that he didn't want sitting next to him. His reward was Bozo lumbering in the door and sitting next to him where he'd sought his sanctuary. That must've been painful for Ruben. A few people were watching the Black Hawk game on the bars only TV. The Old Town Ale House has gotten the reputation of a place to come to if you don't want to watch sports. Street Jimmy came into the bar around nine with a very pained look on his drug addled face, "can you believe it , I jus' lost eight fuckin' dollars. It hurts."

"Well, I'm sure you didn't have the money in your right front pocket."

"Sure 'nuff didn' ."

"Serves you right."

"Damn."

When Ruben Nine Toes PACE bus showed up Ruben seemed amazed when a white driver walked in. "Hey, " Ruben exclaimed, " you're the first white driver I've ever had. The brothers can't be too happy about that."

The driver seemed good natured and sat down and let Ruben buy him a coke.

This morning it was drizzling once more when I reached the bar. Street Jimmy was again patiently waiting for me under the awning. He said he'd slept outside at the church, "and it was colder than hell , I need that big coat again."

"Might as well have it, you've already wrecked it." I've never understand how somebody can get so drunk, especially when it's cold outside, and leave there overcoat in a bar. At least you'd think the next day they'd wonder where the hell their missing coat was. Faggypants started running down the street when he saw me opening the door. As soon as we got inside the bar I marched Faggypants over to the note sheet next to the cash register . "See, asshole, that's the sheet, and there are the telephone numbers."

"Oh," Faggypants said bending over and looking at the sheet. He'd called me drunk the previous afternoon and said he needed Gracie's phone number. I told him to look at the sheet next to the register; after five minutes of screaming at him he still couldn't figure out where the numbers were.

"From now on, numb nuts, no coming back to the bar when you're drunk."

"I was at the dentists getting a cleaning."

"Where'd you get the money for a cleaning?"

"My mom paid half."

Street Jimmy wanted to know how much a cleaning cost?

"One hundred dollars."

"A hundred dollars!," Jimmy said incredulously.

"It's very important to get your teeth cleaned, the stuff under your gums can get into your blood and you can have a heart attack."

Jimmy said that he brushed his teeth every day.

I said that I found that very hard to believe. Faggypants assured me that Jimmy always traveled with a tooth brush and some toothpaste.

"I brush my teeth damn near every day. I don' want none of that butter shit on my teethes."

"Jimmy, I have to admit you have very white , straight teeth. "

"I see a bitch with butter on her teeth -"

Faggypants wanted to know what Jimmy meant by butter?

"Teeth be all yellow. I see a bitch with yellow teeth I say , 'girl, what's wrong with your teeth, ' I say girl , 'ya'll got a nice shape, but your teeth be all fucked up."

"So you're saying you won't fuck a good looking girl with a nice ass if she has fucked up teeth?"

"Hell no I won't fuck no girl with nasty teeth."

Before Jimmy started sweeping I had him run to Treasure Island for my papers and some fruit. While he was gone , Charles A., knocked at the back door. I'd forgotten that he had told me that he was going to play hooky from his job and stop by the bar Friday. Patrick the Carpenter showed up shortly after Charles. Before Charles left to get some breakfast he said he might be back this afternoon. No sooner had Charles left but that the Clown showed up. He too was playing hooky from work, although he seemed a lot less guilty about it than Charles did.

When Jimmy returned with my fruit and papers he told Faggypants to fix him some macaroni and cheese that he'd bought. It was in a thin plastic bag. Jimmy then took the broom and dust pan and went outside to sweep. After Faggypants read the directions for cooking the macaroni and cheese, he said, "it said to pour into boiled water. We don't have boiled water, just the water from the coffee maker."

Tobi, who'd just come in said that he could put it into the microwave. Faggypants felt that this wasn't necessary. When Jimmy came back into the bar he asked for his macaroni and cheese. Faggypants stopped his mopping and placed the plate in front of him. After one bite Jimmy scowled and said loudly, "damn, this is the worst macaroni and cheese I ever had. What you tryin' to do Faggypants, kill me?"

"I'll put it into the micro wave."

Jimmy didn't think the food was salvageable. "You gots to melt the cheese on the macaroni, mutha fucka."

When the micro wave beeped and Faggypants took the plate and placed it in front of Jimmy for the second time, Jimmy's nose curled up , "this looks like shit." After another bite he proclaimed in no uncertain terms that this was the worst macaroni and cheese he'd ever had.

"Well," Faggypants said defensively, "you bought it. Next time get pork and beans."

Tobi gave Jimmy a big bag of Cheeto's that someone had left in the back room. This seemed to placate Jimmy.

Clown was sitting in the window doing something on his computer. He said that he almost got into a fight the night before at Burton Place with a cook from the Pour House. "The guy actually ran and got his friends."

Patrick the Carpenter wanted to know what the fight was about?

"A broad. I was talking to a broad and the guy got jealous."

Before Street Jimmy nodded off he said he needed to go to the Daley Center and get a new court date. The date of his last case got so smudged that nobody could read it.

"You better take care of it or it's three weeks in County."

"It's only a misdemeanor."

"If there's an open warrant out for you for missing court you'll go to county, even if it's a misdemeanor. "

"You right." Jimmy then went to sleep.

A giant shout out to old pal Roger Ebert. In what can best be described as a classic case of genius' of a feather flocking together, Anthony Bordain read a plug Roger gave my Blog on Rogers Twitter page a week or two ago, and as a result Anthony started reading my Blog every day. Anthony called me at the bar this morning , and in what could best be described as a mutual love fest, told me how much he loved what I was doing and, of course, I told him what devoted fans my friends and family are of his. Gracie Littlefeather watches all of his TV shows religiously, and has read several of his books, and Tobi also watches him , especially when he's discussing food and cooking. Patrick the carpenter stood in line to get Anthony to sign a copy of his most recent book. Anthony said he's very interested in publishing my Blog in book form and said that his people would be contacting me soon. Before he hung up he laughingly said that he was sure that the art work for the books cover would not be a problem ( since not only am I a brilliant writer, but a world famous artist, who's specialty is political porn, the cover would clearly not be a problem). Of course I invited him to the Old Town Ale House the next time he was going to be in Chicago. "It sounds like my kind of place," were his parting words. Now I am absolutely confident that a hundred years from now literary scholars will be writing treatises on the convergence of these three great minds, and how this chance convergence significantly impacted Twenty-First Century literature.

Yesterday , being a bit sluggish, thanks to a previous evening of debauchery, I ended up laying around in the sun most of the afternoon at the Dunes. The magnificence of my landscaping is presently in full force , especially the Japanese maples. The leaves are literally exploding in reds yellows and greens. Eventually the hot summer sun will take a toll on the the leaves, but for now they are absolutely in perfect form. Around two I started receiving drunken calls from Faggypants. He said he was watching the Black Hawks game on TV and it was real exciting and that I should watch . I told him the last thing in the world I wanted to do was leave my sunny chair and watch TV. He seemed churlish when I told him not to call me anymore. (Later, Officer Bill told me what Faggypants had been watching was a re-run of the Hawks game from the previous evening.)

Last night while driving down Lasalle St on my way to the bar, who should I see walking swiftly down the street but Street Jimmy. I honked several times and waved but he just seemed to look around in a somewhat confused manner. While I was parking my car next to the hardware store I saw Jimmy again. He said he saw me when I honked.

"Yeah, I seen you. I been down on State St, some lady hit me, she say she gonna call the cops on me."

"Why'd she hit you?"

"It wasn't no big deal. She jus' pissed off."

"Usually when somebody hits you they have a reason."

"Nah, she didn' have no reason."

Jimmy , who obviously was in no mood for small talk, said goodbye and headed off in the direction of Sedgwick St. Obviously he'd scored enough cash around Rush St to buy a rock.

I sat down next to Ruben Nine Toes . He seems in pretty good shape these days, especially since the no shot rule has once again been strictly enforced. He smokes electric cigarettes exclusively, and is on a strict schedule thanks to the PACE bus service.He's also upbeat about not having to got to the therapy for his amputated big toe anymore. "It was taking up a lot of my time. I had to get my sister or my cousin to take me to the hospital, and it wore my ass out. " Ruben said some old biddy in his building asked him the other day how he could take care of his cat when it didn't seem like he could take care of himself. "I told the bitch to mind her own business. "

Rene, who was sitting on the other side of Ruben, said that Lulu was trying to get into Ruben's building now that she's disabled, too. Ruben seems to have mixed feelings about that. It would make sense for Lulu to live in a handicapped accessible elevator building , because even though she loves her present pad in Wicker Park, the stairs in her present building are lethal and she's already fallen down those dangerous stairs and broken bones several times.

When D Train entered the bar he barely acknowledged anyone. This is typical. After he sits down and has a couple of large glasses of wine he sometimes looks around and if the mood strikes him, will engage in conversation. He seems amused by the new nick name Ruben has given him - Affirmative Action. Every now and then D Train says something remarkable, and last night was one of those times. For months Hawkeye had been insisting that you can get throat cancer from eating pussy. This has caused a great deal of consternation among the boys in the corner who are all , apparently , given their angry attacks on what Hawkeye claimed, devoted to the art of cunnilingus. When this controversial subject once again came up I said that I did read an article recently in the NY Times that did link cunnilingus to throat cancer, something to do with the human papaloma virus. Officer Bill said that he'd just have to risk it. Ruben Nine Toes was non committal, simply saying, "whores and tramps," but D Train announced that yes, he was indeed a devotee of giving oral sex, but then amazingly added, " but I don't like getting my dick sucked."

Now this caught the immediate attention of everyone present. I said that that was the most freakish statement he'd ever made, even freakier than his love of geriatric porn. " D Train, you have to be the only man in the world that doesn't like getting his dick sucked. "

D Train was unapologetic , "I've never liked it."

Ruben Nine Toes was equally shocked, "probably because he wants to suck a dick."

D Train tilted his nose slightly in the air, sighed condescendingly , and then proceeded to put his earphones gently into his ears. Within seconds he had assumed a blissful countenance as he began listening to whatever he listens to on his ever present I Pad .

This morning it was drizzling when I arrived at the bar. Street Jimmy was waiting for me under the Ale House awning. He said Faggpants was already in the bar. After Faggypants let Jimmy and me in the side door I immediately started mimicking Faggypants voice when he was calling me yesterday. When I told Faggypants that the Black Hawks game he was listening to was a replay, he seemed stunned. "Oh, my god, so now they're not down three to one?"

"Correct."

"That's great news."

When I continued to make fun of him for calling me last night and telling me tearfully that he was lonely, he said, "it is lonely in the suburbs, there's nothing to do and nobody to talk to ."

"What about your mother . "

"She wasn't home, she was out with her girlfriends."

"I thought you said you loved it when your mother left you alone."

"I didn't last night."

Gracie arrived a few minutes later with her two wild dogs. She was very excited that Anthony Bordain was going to call us at a quarter after eight. Gracie had handled all of the logistics with Anthony's agent. It's almost impossible to reach me in Indiana if I'm not in the house and so it was decided the best place to reach me was at the bar. Tobi arrived a few minutes later. Both Tobi and Gracie insisted that I sit down in the corner and read my papers and maintain a clear head. Tobi said the Butchovich, who is a big fan of Bordain's, told Tobi to make sure I didn't fuck up my conversation with Bordain.

"How am I going to fuck it up, I'm smooth as silk on the phone?"

The girls were nervous wrecks. I sent Street Jimmy to Einsteins for a bagel and lox while I waited for the phone call. For some reason Jimmy calls bagels, "dago's", so I absolutely have to write down what I want.

When Jimmy got back with the food I told him that Faggypants, Jimmy and I might be going on a book tour soon.

"Are we gonna get money."

"Of course, will be flying are asses all over the place."

"I ain't gettin' on no airplane."

Faggypants insisted on knowing why Jimmy wouldn't fly?

"'Cause the plane might fall."

"Asshole," I said, "you sleep outside behind dumpsters with homicidal maniacs lurking around you in the dark and you're worried about flying in an airplane."

"Hell yeah."

"Well, we'll just have to get Chilly Willy to go on the book tour with us."

"He ain't got no legs or no fingers anymore."

"We'll get him a wheel chair. I know he'll fly."

"I'll fly if they give me a parachute. "

"Idiot, " Faggypants said, "parachutes don't work on those big planes."

"Why not?"

"Because the planes engines will suck you up ."

When I said I guess I'd have to go talk to Chilly Willy about replacing Jimmy , Jimmy finally agreed to fly.

Took a real nice head over heels tumble down the hill yesterday at the Dunes. I remained still for a minute or two and took inventory of my body. No shooting pains in my lower back , the area of my leg where the pinched nerve extended did not seem to be any worse, although my shoulder definitely had suffered some type of twist. I slowly got to my feet , dusted myself off and was greatly relieved to find that no serious damage had been done to my fragile, somewhat elderly body. Most of the landscaping heavy lifting should be over by now, but I have to be more cautious, being the delicate creature that I am.

When I arrived at the bar last night I was definitely in a beer drinking mood. My lawyer pals were at the TV end of the bar and after I exchanged pleasantries with them I retired to the bar stool by the door next to Ruben Nine Toes. I remained on that bar stool for much of the next five hours. Timmy stopped by (busman's holiday) and we chatted for a while, when about eleven who should wander in but the Clown. He had a somewhat guilty look on his face as he observed me, "you still here?".

Now I had been hearing that Clown had been coming into the bar later for the past couple of weeks, and I imagined that he was somewhat surprised to see me there given that I'm usually out of the bar by ten. "Yes Clown, I'm indeed here. And I doubt if I'll ever be able to forgive you for resigning from my Blog."

"You can put me in your Blog, I'm okay with it."

"I don't like to keep my fans hanging, and a superb chronicler such as myself has an obligation to one's readers, and given the fact you're on the verge of some type of crack up, I think it's important that I provide the first hand details, so thank you for returning to the Blog."

"Don't mention it."

This morning when I woke up I definitely didn't feel razor sharp, in fact, I felt groggy and lackluster. Twenty or so beers tends to have that effect on me. Faggypants was over half way through with the cleaning when I arrived. Patrick the Carpenter stopped by, also. Patrick is not cordial to Faggypants and this puts a damper on Faggypants' spirits. Faggypants rolled up his pants leg and showed me a fresh gash on his leg, and then raising his voice said, "yesterday , instead of taking the train home I took the bus, when we got to Forrest Park a bunch of people had to get off, and so I stepped off of the bus to let them out and then the stupid bus driver, " his voice now rising even louder, "took off without letting me back in and I had to chase the bus a half a block before she let me back in and so then as soon as I was in the door she put her foot on the gas and I went flying into a man with a wheel chair and now look at my leg! She was a big fat black lady and all she said is 'are you alright' and I screamed at here, 'no, I am not alright!"

"Did you get her name and the number of the bus?"

"No," he answered sheepishly, "my mother asked me the same thing."

"Clearly you don't need the ten grand you would have gotten from a lawsuit. Faggypants, you are a stupendous moron."

"And when I fell I must have lost my portable CD player."

" I presume you were intoxicated at the time ?"

"Not really, I'd only had a couple of beers. And my bus pas expires at two this afternoon so that's going to cost me another twenty bucks. I can't believe how fast time flies by."

When Street Jimmy arrived he seemed discombobulated . He said he slept on the train last night and just woke up. "Gracie is the one who threw out the pineapple yesterday. She tol' me she did it. She shouldn't be doin' shit like that."

"I've tried everything to get her to behave except beating her. She's a spoiled brat, do you have any suggestions on how I should punish her?"

Jimmy thought for a moment , "well, not really."

Faggypants had already gotten Jimmy's can of pork and beans out, and within a couple of minutes Jimmy was gulping down his food. As soon as he finished eating he crumpled into a heap on the wooden bench and went to sleep. Faggypants marvels at the speed Jimmy can fall asleep. He reminds me of the stories I heard after WW Two of the Japanese soldiers that had hidden in the South Pacific jungles for thirty years before learning that the war was over. They said that the soldiers could fall asleep instantly, and then wake up instantly, and be clear headed. Now Jimmy can fall asleep instantly, but he can't wake up clear headed. In fairness to Jimmy, the Japanese soldiers weren't smoking large amounts of crack each day.

Faggypants said that his friend from California, who was doing five years for DUI and manslaughter , hadn't called him since he'd gotten out of jail, "I don't feel obligated to call him. If he's mad because I didn't write him that's his problem. He's the guy that killed the twelve year old on a bike, it was his second DUI that week. He got out of jail two years early because the prisons in California are so overcrowded."

After I woke Jimmy up he stuck a broken , unlit cigarette in his mouth as he gathered he belongings. The cigarette, which was broken in the middle, gave Jimmy an interesting look.

"You know Jimmy, that broken cigarette makes you look tough, you might want to adopt that as one of your trademarks."

Jimmy took the cigarette out of his mouth and studied it for a moment, broke the dangling part off, and said, "can't smoke it when it's like that."

After I said good by to the boys I got in my car and headed for the Dunes. It looks like it's going to be a nice sunny day.

Yesterday on my way to the Dunes the cops were pulling triple trailer (thanks Reagan) and really large double trailer trucks off of the tollway because it was so windy. The wind kicked ass almost the entire day. It's amazing how flexible the average tree is. Watching the myriad branches on the surrounding trees bend unnaturally for hours on end evokes an image similar to watching an ultra violent ballet. A few branches broke but most trees appeared unscathed. I was particularly impressed by the squirrel nests. Squirrel nests have always struck me as half assed , casually thrown together piles of leaves, but all of the nests in and around my yard survived the pummeling from the wind. My apologies to all of my squirrel friends out there.

On my way home from the Dunes , Gracie, who was bar tending, called me on my cell phone and said Mierka had some exciting news for me.

"What is it?"

"She'll tell you when you get here."

"Is she pregnant, because if she is you're going to have a new baby brother or baby sister."

Gracie said Mierka would tell me when I got there and then hung up on me.

I lucked out on a parking spot and when I went into the bar Mierka was sitting at the end of the bar playing with her phone; Mierka always seems to be fucking with her phone. She reluctantly moved her purse so that I could sit down and proceeded to tell me that the day before she had talked to Kirsten, who's the boss at the Red Orchid Theater, and that Kirsten has finally agreed to giving my brilliant, timely, work of theatrical genius, Cavity Search, several rehearsals and then a staged reading with an audience. Now this was truly exciting news. I thought, and I was not alone, that the first reading had been a tremendous success. The play is about Blago, the latest Illinois governor to go to prison. I love the Red Orchid Theater and really wouldn't want anyone else to get the glory and fame that would come from producing this remarkable work of pure art.

Tobi brought a bunch of snacks shortly after I arrived. Even after Lee and I devoured as much as we could eat there were still plenty of the tasty snacks left.

When Hawkeye arrived he seemed to have a very cavalier attitude about defying me and giving Street Jimmy the Brooks Brothers overcoat the other night. "It was cold, " he said with a condescending smirk.

"Why not give him your coat, then?"

Hawkeye clearly gets a great deal of satisfaction from his frequent acts of insubordination.

When Street Jimmy wandered into the bar he asked if he could use my cell phone?

"I presume your brother never showed up this afternoon?"

Jimmy nodded, "I be gettin' really pissed off, too."

I reluctantly let him use my phone. After leaving his brother a message he gave me back my phone. Jimmy has lately been trying to sell a pair of ski boots which Faggypants found in the garbage the other day. Old Town is not known as a place where skiers hang out and I have a feeling Jimmy is going to get tired of lugging the heavy boots around.

This morning when I arrived at the bar Street Jimmy was waiting for me. He said Faggypants was already inside (the rule is Jimmy can only be inside the bar when I'm there). Jimmy asked if he could bring his ski boots into the bar with his bags?

"Yes, but you can't leave them here."

Faggypants suggested Jimmy take the ski boots to a second hand sports store.

"And where, prey tell , might Jimmy find a second hand sports store ?"

Faggypants wasn't sure.

I told Jimmy that not only could he sweep cigarettes today, but he could run to Treasure Island Grocery Store and get me a fruit cup and my papers. Faggypants told Jimmy he'd warm up some pork and beans for him while he was gone. Before Jimmy left I cautioned him about trying to steal the fruit and papers, "if they catch you they'll bust you and then I'll be out my money and you'll never be able to go into the store again."

Jimmy acted like this thought had never occurred to him, but I could see his mind spinning.

While Jimmy was gone Faggypants gave me his take on the Secret Service prostitution scandal, "I would reprimand them and maybe suspend them for a week."

"I think they'll get fired...I'll tell you something about the Secret Service, they are without a doubt the most gung ho , overly zealous guys in law enforcement. I've had my share of experiences with cops and FBI agents, but the Secret Service guys don't fuck around."

"When did you have to deal with the Secret Service."

"Several times, the first time being in 68 when I was living in Berkeley and a bunch of went to San Francisco to picket Hubert Humprey who was giving a speech at the Sheraton Plaza Hotel. He was defending the Vietnam War while he was running for president. The Secret Service grabbed me and took me to the top floor of the Fairmont Hotel..."

"Why?"

"They said I had threatened the life of the Vice President."

"What did you do?"

"It's a long story, suffice it to say one of the nuttiest agents , I remember him well because he had one continuous eye brow, scared the shit out of me. I think you have to be seriously crazy to get into the Secret Service."

When Jimmy got back he had Mondays NY Times , not Tuesdays.

"It's not your fault, they should have removed it. Just take it back and get me the right day."

Jimmy was back in a couple of minutes with the correct paper. He immediately sat down and started eating his pork and beans. While he was gone I found a extra large bag of potato chips in the back room and set them down on the bar next to Jimmy's food.

"What's with the chips," Jimmy said holding up the bag?

I lied and told him that Nicole had stopped by and brought them for him, "she said she didn't get you a birthday present."

Jimmy loves Nicole and seemed quite pleased that she remembered him.

At first Jimmy complained about the new hot sauce Faggpants had given him. It was in small plastic bags. "This ain't hot sauce, it for taco's and shit."

Faggypants was incensed, "idiot, it's from Taco Bell, and it's mexican hot sauce."

Jimmy took another bite of his food and smiled, "hey, this good, Faggypants I'm sorry , it's on me, I wrong."

Jimmy said that he knew Faggypants and I had stolen his Brooks Brothers coat. With a sly smile he said, "I figured it out, you wanted that coat all along."

Faggypants raised his voice, "It's a five hundred dollar coat, I could have taken it to a resale shop and gotten a hundred dollars for it."

"Well," I added , "It's too late now, it's torn and dirty. By the way Jimmy, where did you sleep last night?"

"Laundry room, it colder than hell las' night, only I didn't sleep good on account of the young bucks bein' in there smoking reefer all night. They smoke the hell outa that shit. I used to love reefer but the shit makes me cough my ass off an now I don' smoke it. The young bucks don' cough or nothin' , they hold that shit in like it ain't nothin."

"Do you cough when you smoke crack?"

"Uh, uh."

All hell broke loose when Faggypants found Street Jimmy's pineapple in the garbage, "look , " he said holding the pineapple up for us to see.

"Who the hell would do that, " Jimmy wondered?

Somebody had given the pineapple to Jimmy the previous day and we had planned on Faggypants cutting it up this morning for us to eat.

"I'll bet I know who tossed it in the garbage," I said after a moments thought.

Faggypants thought it must be Gracie because she throws everything away.

"No, the pineapple was still here after Gracie left, I think this is the work of Hawkeye."

"Why would Hawkeye do shit like that?" , Jimmy wondered.

"I have no idea."

Tobi insisted that we not eat the pineapple because it had been contaminated in the garbage.

Jimmy was sound asleep when I was ready to leave. It gets harder and harder to rouse him . Finally I got him out the door. He seemed disoriented when I waved goodbye to him.