Monday, December 22, 2014

The Genius Is Having A Difficult Time Getting In The Spirit Of Christmas

             Ruben Four Toes has been absent from the Ale House for the previous four days. His normally large testicles have quadrupled in size in just  the last week. This happened a couple of years ago before they sawed off his diabetes ravaged leg. Mother nature has not been kind to Ruben in the penis and testicle departments. I'm sure he would have preferred a reversal of large balls and an invisible dick but fate decided otherwise. Realizing the seriousness of the problem he has decided to go to the emergency room this morning. Needless to say our prayers are with the roly poly one-legged toxic dump of blubber.
          Street Jimmy has made several big scores lately. His  Angel (the lady at the nursery) gave him at least twenty for Xmas and several other well meaning people have done the same. The fact that this money goes directly to the crack dealer doesn't seem to bother these do-gooders in the least. Eventually the kindliest of natures will rebel against the futility of trying to help someone who doesn't want to help himself. In the long run the yoke Jimmy has created for himself with his extravagant drug habit will foster hate in the most affectionate, good-humored of souls. 
         Ally was in with a guy I didn't recognized. Jimmy and Buzz Kill have the hots for Ally. Staring directly at her Jimmy said, "Ally I find you very attractive. I would likes to be with you."
          Ally smiled, "well, Jimmy, I don't want to be with you."
           When Jimmy seemed puzzled by her refusal I said, "Jimmy, perhaps it's because you are a homeless crack head with no money. Broads are funny about stuff like that.
           "I think she digs me." 
            Jimmy's opinion of the situation was unmodified by the facts.
            "Jimmy, of course she does. What normal young women would not want to have Street Jimmy for a boyfriend. You are a real catch now that you're no longer pining over China."
            "Thank you."  
           Jimmy asked  Gracie to change a twenty for him. I assume he doesn't want the crack dealer to know how much money he has. Gracie refused and told him to have the crack dealer give him change. She then started to sing the Jimmy song and I joined in:
             
                Jimmy smokes crack and I don't care,
                 Jimmy smokes crack and I don't care, 
                Jimmy smokes crack and I don't care, 
                 The policeman's on his way.
                 Jimmy ran because he ain't no snitch,
                  He threw his crack pipe in the ditch, 
                 When the judge asked Street Jimmy why?
                  Street Jimmy said Judge, 'cause I gots to get high.

              Although Jimmy likes this song, he doesn't like it sung around strangers, "'cause peoples don' know I smokes crack." Therefore when we started singing the Jimmy song he stormed out the door.  When he stuck his head back in the door I yelled, "Street Jimmy, talking smack and smoking crack."

         When I woke up at three in the morning I took one of the herbal pills the actress gave me to help me sleep. It worked and I actually overslept. Not only that I actually felt refreshed when I crawled out of bed. This is fortuitous because I have a big project today. 
          Fancypants was a little impaired this morning. Buzz Kill nerves are frayed. Work doesn't seem to agree with him. It looks like Tobin will probably be around for a couple of days. Hopefully her Florida vacation has put her in a better frame of mind. Last night she told Buzz Kill that she no longer reads my blog. Buzz Kill says he's a much happier man since he eschewed reading it. I think this is a positive move on both of their parts. 
            After I was finished setting up the bar I headed for the art store. Before I went in the art store I tried to get a new pair of the Merrill shoes I've been wearing for the last year. All they had at Erehwon  Shoes was size eight and a half. Maybe I can go on-line and order a pair. I then went to Best Buy to get a portable radio. They had a bunch of people working and it took three different employees to direct me to the portable (mobile) radio department. All of the radios were in boxes and not on display. This was not customer friendly and so I had to rip a box open. When I asked the dippy kid nearby if it came with batteries he told me to read the box. I handed the box to him and said, "you read the box."
          "Yeah, it needs batteries."
           "Where are the batteries." 
           "Over there," he said pointing at the next isle. 
            "Why don't you show which batteries I'm going to need?"
             After walking over to the next isle he said, "somewhere in there."
             "Hey kid, " I said handling him the messed up box, "stick this radio up your half-wit ass."
            As I walked out the front door I told the kid working the desk, "I would have bought a radio except the jag off back there wouldn't help me find batteries. Have a nice Christmas. "
           After I bought the art supplies I needed at Blick I decided to fill up my empty window washer fluid. The problem was I couldn't figure out how to open my hood. I'm mechanically impaired so I'm going to have to read the Honda owners manual. Hopefully my project goes smoother than my shopping did.             

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Will The Genius Live Up To His Well Deserved Reputation?

          This afternoon for the first time since he became the Bear head coach, Trestman showed some emotion . Why? Because the back up QB played better than the one that is getting paid 54 million guaranteed. The Bear receivers couldn't hang on to key passes and the pathetic defense gave up in the fourth quarter or the hapless Bears might have beaten the half-wit Lions. Hopefully a few Lions players will be suspended for next weeks Green Bay game because of some egregiously dirty plays they made against the Bears. Bozo stopped by to watch the game and never shut up. The hotdogs were excellent.

          *

          Last night I had dinner at Topo Gigio with the actress. We both had the Australian white fish and it was excellent although I couldn't tell the difference between the Australian version and our own local white fish. The mash potatoes were perfection and the asparagus was prepared just the way I like it. Most restaurants undercook asparagus which displeases me. I like it the way my grandmother cooked it, nice and mushy. In the future I think I will restrict dining at Topo to lunches. It was packed and much too noisy. Being borderline autistic I can't handle too much auditory stimulation.
            The actress' knowledge of Chicago theater is remarkable. I told her she should write a memoir because there aren't that many people around in the 70's when Chicago was emerging as a major theater town and are still performing now. She said she was thinking about doing a one-woman show based on the playwright Lillian Hellman. 
           Lillian Hellman was not only an interesting figure in American theater, she was politically spot on and paid a price for her politics in the Fifties during the McCarthy communist witch hunt era. The Actress said that several one women shows about Hellman have already been written. I thought it was laughable to have Jayne Fonda play Hellman in the movie. Jason Robards played Hellman's  lover, Dashiell Hammett. Although the actress insisted she resembles Hellman, she's significantly better looking than even the younger version of Hellman. Hellman made an appearance at the Oscars about thirty-years ago to receive some kind of life time achievement award. She had a walker and was hooked up to an oxygen tank. She was a two pack a day smoker and a boozer and didn't bare the slightest resemblance to Jayne Fonda.  
            I woke up at two in the morning and essentially wrote a brand new Hellman play in my mind for the Actress. In my version The Actress plays both Hellman and Mary McCarthy. The two women had a very famous intellectual bitch fight. And then I thought you could have a tape recorder play Hammett. If there are copy write laws she could write her own version of the letters and the back and forth between Hellmann and McCarthy. In the movie Robards played an ultra serious, sometimes morbid Hammett. In the play I want the actress to write I'd like Hammett to be amusing. He wrote the "Thin Man" detective series.  Anyway, that kept awake most of the night.

           *

         Just before the game this morning Goo Goo came in with his wife and youngest daughter and her new Scottish husband. It's the first time I've met the new husband and he seemed like a fine lad. They are living in Columbus Ohio and Goo Goo's  daughter has a  great job at the University library. She's the only daughter that frequented the Ale House and she's looking quite hot.
          Goo Goo's eldest daughter is married to MSNBC talk show host Chris Hayes. I told Mrs. Goo Goo and Emily that Chris is now my favorite MSNBC personality. It was not always thus. When he started out he was simply wound too tight. He's mellowed and it's all for the best. 

            Hopefully tomorrow I will begin a project that will create a major buzz. Unfortunately Grace Littlefeather didn't deem it important enough to complete the simple task I asked her to. Can the Genius pull one more arrow out of his ass and hit a bullseye? Stay tuned. 

           Street Jimmy's behavior was exemplary today. Fancypants, in spite of having train problems , was also feeling the Xmas spirit.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Street Jimmy In A Bad Mood

            Street Jimmy has an inability to judge wisely. He found a set of keys on the floor yesterday and instead of turning them in to the bartender immediately he kept them in his pocket for several hours before he said to me: "I thinks I found Danny's lost keys."
           "When?"
           "This afternoon."
            "Where?"
            "Right there, " pointing on the floor by the railing.
             "And where are they?"
             "In my pocket."
              After explaining to Jimmy for the hundredth time that he's supposed to turn in  lost items and not put them in his pocket he resolved not to repeat such follies in the future. The keys in question look like keys for a bike lock and are clearly not Fancypants'.  There's absolutely no basis for his ill-founded self-confidence. (He's a lot like W Bush the war criminal, he lacks even a semblance of self doubt.) Because Jimmy is much given to the pursuit of illegal drugs his judgement is impaired. Understanding that much of his life was  shaped by circumstances over which he had very little control I make allowances, however, this morning his behavior was intolerable. 
            Even when he hears you clearly he says "huh". After every question he asks he says, "you hear me?" And when he doesn't get enough sleep he becomes petulant. This is exacerbated by his general disenchantment with life. When he once again demanded hot sauce both Fancypants and I let him have it.
          "You useless little shit ball," I screamed, "get your own fucking hot sauce. I told you I don't ever want to hear the words hot sauce from your lips for the rest of my life. Can't you see we're busy."
          Fancypants drew Jimmy's ire when he pointed out that if Jimmy wasn't such a lazy good for nothing crack-head he'd go down and get his Link Card.
           Jimmy had an expression on his face of one who had been wrongly accused of a horrible crime.
           "What'd I do."
            "Mother fucker, we're trying to work and Danny's nice enough to feed you and now you want hot sauce and lemonade and look at the mess you made." I was pointing at the chips on the floor by his feet. 
            "I didn' do it on purpose, they jus' fell." 
            Jimmy was now shouting. We were all shouting. I told him to get his ass out the door. When he wanted to know  why I told him it was because I was sick of his nasty attitude.
            "I don' have no bad attitude. Danny the one yellin' at me."
           "Go."
           "Fuck you."
           "And fuck you right out the door."
           As he walked out he gave me the finger.j
            Fancypants was giggling, " can you believe him, what a sour puss."
            "I'm not letting him in anymore unless he keeps a smile on his face at all times; I'm going to insist on a cheerful Street Jimmy in the future."
              "I can't believe the mess he made."
              "Jimmy has a  very simple philosophy: he believes that what suits him, others must put up with. Fuck the little parasitic dick-wad."
             

              

Friday, December 19, 2014

Boys Will Be Boys

         Ruben Four Toes was a no show yesterday. Rubens vanity is no longer his strongest passion - what to do about his chronic poop problems is. I blush to think about the youthful man about town I used to know; Ruben was not only a gentleman of the world but a raconteur extraordinaire. As a child he was as brave a delinquent as ever packed a switchblade.  Those days when Men Were Men and Ruben Ten Toes was cock of the walk are but distant memories. The humiliation of having your once proud penis disappear into an ever expanding tsunami of blubber and balked desire has to smart. And yet Ruben's life has not been a total failure. A gambler, a profligate, and a debauchee - when it came to  the game of life Ruben  placed all of his chips on gluttony, avarice and fraud and hit the jackpot. Hopefully the big fatso is feeling better today; he's certainly in my prayers. 
             I woke up around two in the morning and so I turned on the TV. There was a program on AMC about the Western Movie Genre. It was narrated by Eli Wallach and it captured my interest. John Ford seems to get the most credit for creating the so called modern western. He was very old and had a patch over his eye during his interviews. I had seen most of the movies they showed clips from at the Tivoli Theater in Uppers Grove when I was a kid. I think the most underrated western (it wasn't mentioned) was "One Eyed Jacks.) It was Brando's only foray into directing and I thought it was excellent. It's hard to get past John Wayne's fatuous politics when you watch him amble about in cowboy boots. I don't know if its true but I've read in several different publications that he had tiny feet and that's why he has such a distinctive walk. 
          It was grudgingly acknowledged that  American westerns were overtly racist. The "Searchers" was John Wayne at his racist best. I don't suppose there was a scenario where Wayne would have actually killed Natalie Wood because she'd been soiled by Indian sperm, but it would have been interesting had he done so.

          *

         This morning I overslept yet again. It was cold out and Street Jimmy was standing in front of the bar smoking a cigarette. Buzz Kill was in his toasty car. Buzz Kill is not the kind of guy to take mercy on a  homeless crack addict and let him sit in his car. Jimmy was already high as a kite. He kept singing over and over the first couple of lines about going to work. After a couple of minutes Buzz Kill exploded.
            "Jimmy, shut the fuck up with that singing!"
             When Jimmy made no attempt to shut the fuck up I interceded.
             "Jimmy, if you can't sing the whole song, cease and desist."
              "Okay."
              When I asked Buzz Kill how his job was going he said in a lowered voice, "it's killing me."
              I could not let this go, " Jesus Christ, man up."
              His problem is that after doing physical labor most of his life he sat on his ass for the last five-years and now he's out of shape. 
            Fancypants has been cheerful lately. This, however, does not prevent him from being annoying. While Buzz Kill and I were discussing N. Korea and what to do with the round little jerk-off with the bad haircut Fancypants suggested blowing him up.
           "Danny, he has nukes. It would be a mess and afterwards there might not be a S. Korea ..."
             Buzz Kill pointed out that sanctions were working against Russia and the ruble was collapsing. 
             When I added that the Russian economy was dependent on oil Buzz Kill said, "yeah, they don't make anything."
             This caused Fancypants to go into a hysterical tirade. He used to be a tool designer and said that they used all kinds of Russian products. After five-minutes of his ranting I urged him to shut up.
             Street Jimmy seems to have resigned himself that he is no longer free to take one hour naps in the morning. It simply takes to long to get him awake and dressed. 

Thursday, December 18, 2014

A Nation Of Hypocrites And Buffoons

            Before you crawl too far up Sony's ass for pulling the movie about the freakazoid N. Korean ruler with the bad haircut, just ask yourself when was the last time you saw a cartoon having a bit of sport with Mohammed? Never. Why? because if a paper did this the defenders of the faith would blow up the building and kill the cartoonist and his family. When you have nut boys like Putin and Kim Jong un armed with nukes you have a problem.
I have a feeling this is just the beginning and soon the whack job religious and political loony tunes will again be deciding what movies we watch and books we read. This won't be unprecedented;  for most of our history the Catholic Church along with the even more primitive Evangelical snake handlers have been imposing censorship on us, not to mention the fat-assed rat bastard political hacks that run things in the land of the free and the home of the depraved.
           Barack made the right call on Cuba. Finally! Of course the slime ball Republican flag wavers will scream and holler about human rights violations in Cuba (last I checked we are pals with China) and when they do I'd like to point out the CIA report on torture. Hell, we are guilty of horrific human rights violations in Cuba. What we do to the prisoners at Gitmo must make working in a sugar cane field seem like Club Med. 
         This morning when discussing recent world events with Fancypants and Street Jimmy, Fancypants made a remarkable statement: "After World War Two we should have just made Cuba and Puerto Rico states."
           "Really, we should have just snatched a few little sovereign countries whether they liked it or not?"
          "They would have been happy to be Americans."
          "Just for the sake of argument, what if they didn't want to be Americans. What if they wanted to be Cubans, should we have done it anyway."
            "It's no big whoop, once they saw how great we were they would have loved it."
             I had to check my anger by a supreme force of will.
           "You sound just like retarded-shit-for-brains-dumb-fucking-know-nothing-scum-sucking-Republican."
            Despite finding himself the victim of my lacerating wit he  smiled. It was a  gentle, serene smile. Resting his chin thoughtfully against the end of his mop handle he said: "Jimmy, what do you think?"
            "I think this sandwich your mamma made for me is damn good."
             "I mean about having relations with Cuba?"
              Rubbing bread crumbs from his mouth with the back of his hand Jimmy said: "They jus' like Mexicans. We gots too many Mexicans an' they takin' all our jobs." As he said this his voice gradually sunk very low and you could hear his stertorous breathing.
             "You two are a microcosm of everything wrong with the so called average American. We are a nation of misguided, know nothing buffoons and you two illustrate this to perfection."
             "Hey Danny, " Jimmy said raising his voice, "tell your mamma thanks for the sandwich."
              After Fancypants assured Jimmy he'd relay his message he leaned over to me and said in a lowered voice, "my mom said, the poor dear is homeless, let me make him a nice sandwich."

           *

           Last night Buzz Kill and Hawkeye had words. Buzz Kill was ripped which was not surprising for someone who starts knocking down rum and cokes at noon and doesn't go home until eight.
           Mrs. Clown has become a regular again. She wants to do something with the Baby Ruben T-shirts. She said Clown could sell them if I made them with brighter colors. Although I listened to her carefully I have no idea what she was talking about. Doubtless, the Baby Ruben T-shirts would be great stocking stuffers for any precocious child on your gift list.
          South Side Tony stopped by. A few minutes later the Turk ambled in. When I told the Turk that Tony drove for Uber he told Tony that he drove for Lift. The Turk is very defensive, especially after getting shit canned from Uber and so he attacked Uber. Tony just shrugged it off.
            
             
           

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

To Rat Or Not To Rat, That Is The Question

              Yesterday morning the cleaning ladies forgot their keys and I had an eleven-thirty date with the Actress. I wanted to be at my scintillating, witty best for the actress so I grabbed my first nap on the wooden bench at the Ale House while Fancypants was cleaning. This is the bench that Street Jimmy usually sleeps on and so Fancypants offered to spray it before I arranged my makeshift bedding. In order to take possession of the bench I had to shoo Jimmy out of the bar after he finished dining. This displeased him. I used my vest as a pillow and my coat as a blanket. In spite of the banging and clanging going on around me (Fancypants is a very noisy porter) I managed to catch a couple of winks before I rang the Actresses' doorbell. 
           She has a lovely town house directly across the street from me. Its bigger and has a more comfy design than the condo I am presently residing in. She had never been inside the condo so I gave her a  tour. This was a perfect time because it had just been cleaned. I'm not a pig, but I'm not Mr. tidy-boy, either. She seemed to like the layout (probably because of the abundance of great art work) but refused to swap residences. The Actress has a feisty border terrier who likes to scratch my leg with her paws. Her dog is much friendlier that the border terriers-from-hell that live down the driveway at the Dunes house.
          The first order of business was lunch. We had planned on going to a Japanese restaurant on Lincoln Avenue but it was closed. Given that we were close to Lincoln Square we thought we'd go there. She suggested a joint called Daley's. As I was parking my car Eddy Holstein walked by. I hadn't seen Eddy since his major health scare a couple of years ago. Eddy is a Chicago folk singer. His late brother Fred was also a prominent folk singer and they had a folk music joint on Lincoln years ago. Alas Eddy has porked-up again and was not moving very efficaciously. 
           Daley's was okay for bar food. I liked the waitress. I wasn't able to finish my macaroni or my beer. The Actress said she enjoyed her white fish. She is never boring; I was particularly struck by her description of  several of her previous love objects. She has very fixed opinions on the subject of relationships and fidelity. We disagreed about ratting out friends and associates that we know are cheating on their mates. I would never do this while the Actress considers it a moral obligation. I will have to leave this to her conscience. Being a trained actress she can speak in a number of dramatic tones, and her facial expressions can be equally dramatic; during our fidelity argument she compressed her well shaped, too proud lips into a serious pout that I found irresistible.  
          Our destination was Architectural Artifacts. It is a huge warehouse in Ravenswood filled with treasures from all over the world culled from about to be demolished buildings. The Ale House bought several church pews from them five-years ago. I was sure she'd  enjoy seeing the collection of bizarre items and she was. Among the many things we have in common is a similar preoccupation with non-utilitarian forms of knowledge. We spent a good hour perusing the entire three floors. 
          
          At seven o'clock we walked down to the Ale House. Gracie wanted me to bring her some food. Ruben Four Toes was there. It was a gastro- intestinal ailment free day for the cherubic slab of blubber.  He seemed in good spirits for a  change.  When they wheeled him out to the Pace van his unwieldily body jiggled in the wheel chair like a barrel of spilled axle grease. 
           The icy needles had stopped falling by the time we walked  home.

              *

            This morning Jimmy was waiting for me. He said he'd slept most of the night on the El. "I slept good. A young buck say he wanted to be like me so I showed him the ropes of sleepin' on the El an he say he slept damn good too."
           Jimmy thinks I've crossed the line. "You can't be goin' with other women in front of Grace. She  gonna tell her mamma on you."
            "She better not if she knows what's good for her."
            "If you was my daddy and you was cheatin' on my mamma I'd tell on you."
              "You'd snitch on me if I was your daddy?"
              Jimmy pondered this question briefly. "Well, maybe not. I'm leaving tha' shit alone...Tha' ain't nothin' to play with."
             Fancypants lost his bar keys.
            "Fancypants, that's because your pants are too tight. Can't you wear a  key ring around your belt?"
            Fancypants stared at me as if I was speaking Cantonese. 
            "It's no big whoop, I'll pay for a new set. I would never  have one of those janitor key rings, they look awful."
              When Jimmy asked him how his mom was he said, "she was crazy today. She said she was going to sell the house and throw my stuff down the sewer. Yesterday she told me she didn't know what she'd do without me. " 
             Both Fancypants and Jimmy thought this was extremely funny.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Street Jimmy Gets A Geography Lesson From Fancypants

            Street Jimmy told me the reason he missed work on Sunday was because he had to go to the hospital. "The lady doctor who look after me wasn' there an' they made me wait a long time an' then the dude gave me an attitude an' wouldn' let me take a shower so I couldn' get here on time."
           "That is so unfair, Jimmy."
           Jimmy's continues to resist my endearments. He hates it when I call him sweety, poopsy, darling or honey bunch. He insists real men don't talk to each other like that. I told him that only real men, secure in their manhood, can talk to each other like that.
          After I handed him his sweeping money and called him sweetie there was an expression on his face that could only be described as a scowl..
           "Jimmy, you seem to have no qualms about hurting my feelings. Can't you see that I'm desperate for love? Fancypants, you love me, don't you?"
           Fancypants looked up from his mopping and said with a giggle, "of course I love you."
           "Jimmy, you are a very cruel man. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that our entire relationship is based on money."
           Jimmy did nothing to dispel this notion.
           Watching Jimmy devour the soup Fancypants prepares for him is nothing short of remarkable. He prefers a fork to a spoon when eating soup. When I asked him why he shrugged and said it was just something he's been doing since he was a kid.
            Jimmy never tires of listening to Fancypants talk about his two parakeets and Fancypants never tires of telling us about their latest antics.
            Jimmy said that he had to check the Indian at Dunkin' Donutes.
            Fancypants was confused, " what do you mean check?"
            "Danny," I explained, "check is street for straighten out. So Jimmy, what did you have to check him for?"
             "He tellin' me what to do. He the son, his mamma is the boss."
             "No Jimmy, the kids the boss . Indian's always let the boys run things."
              When Jimmy seemed to confuse East Indians with American Indians Fancypants tried to explain the difference to him. "Jimmy, the Dunkin' Donuts Indian's are not the same as the kind you see in cowboy movies, they're from India."
             "We took their land."
             "Do you know where India is?"
              It soon became clear that Jimmy's knowledge of geography was sketchy. No, he had never heard of India and thought China was in Africa. Unfortunately we didn't have a map of the world handy.
            After Fancypants tried to explain how Columbus thought he could reach India by sailing around the world and then stumbled upon our continent instead and declared the natives Indians Jimmy was totally lost.
           "I didn' go to school much when I was a kid."
            Pridmore dropped off a bag of  gifts. He gave me a very nice book of vintage posters along with the "Fetish Art Of John Shuster." I loved the drawings in "Fetish Art." We'll have to get Pridmore something.
             I am confused by several strange bird sightings. Two days ago I saw a pair of Robin's pecking the ground in front of the condo.  And today I saw an interesting brown bird in the very same spot. It was a bit smaller than the Robins and had a white breast with brown spots. I find this odd.
          I think I might have acid reflux. I'm going to attempt to self diagnose on the internet. I'm also going to try and get Gracie to post my radio interview on my blog. Its well worth listening to.

http://wgnradio.com/2014/12/15/tavern-tales/